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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Name Unknowndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PsychoBabble214
    ASL Info:    18/female
    Elite Ratio:    4.52 - 103/109/29
    Words: 80
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 707
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 616



    Description:
       out of the ordinary for me...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsName Unknowndots
    -------------------------------------------


    Can you tremble and cry,
    While your hand's clenched tight?
    Can you still breathe,
    As you start seeing white?

    The scream builds up
    Like bile in your throat
    Acid is infectious
    The chances are remote

    Bone colored velvet
    Enveloping my face
    Chest breaking breaths
    A deadly embrace

    The scream,
    red hot, vibrating sound
    A bone breaking shriek
    You’re the last body found

    Waste covered carcass
    Aching and alone
    Eyes crying for help
    Your name’s unknown...




    Submitted on 2006-01-07 22:32:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hm..this was great. The description was great. Dying isn't always so fun, I would know. And to answer the questions in the first stanza, I can tremble and cry with my hands in any position, also, I hope I can still breathe even when I see white, I wanna be able to blow the white away, and be left in darkness, ya know? I think the last two stanza's could have been different, but eh, thats just me..I guess when you die, your name is unknown, till they find your wallet in the pocket of your bloody jacket, and then they've got your info. Id's suck. You could have described maybe the time of day, if it was darkness, even better, bad things happen in the night, Boo! Ahhh! Anyway, sorry if this is a weird comment, i'm just a little weird myself..Anywho, great poem, nice job, Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! Or let them bite, if you like that kind of stuff, just kidding.

    Lucy
    | Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
      An excellent write, You are very descriptive in the way you described this persons terrible fate.
    I think that the first stanza is kind of in a different place, it doesn't really scream out as a great stanza like the rest.... I would of personally prefered it if you just took out the first stanza and left the rest as it is...
    Just my opinion
    Take Care,
    Danny
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by corruptedspirit | [ Reply to This ]
      When I first read this I was picturing the mine accident that just occured, if maybe you were talking about it. but then I went back and noticed the bone covered velvet. which leads me to believe your talking about suffocation in some other way other then with dirt . your imagery of what he goes thru is great just not sure where he is to save him :)lol
    The only thing that I can see in your poem I might consider editing is line 2 "While your hand's clench tight?" or "With your hand's clenched tight?" JMO. thanks :)
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by rosered | [ Reply to This ]
      Umm, I don't know what to say. But this is pretty good. The lay out is good, and the rhyming schem is works quite well.

    this poem somehow deppresses me, and sends me into a turmoil of loss.

    I kinda get the feeling that once you lose something, you can never get it back as punishment.

    this is very original and I like the way you begin the poem with questions...

    great piece...holler!
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by Writer Chic | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem reminded me of a mass catastrophe, like a hurricane or something, where people are buried under their own homes. Many die, but some say alive, waiting for a saviour. You fight death until some person rescues you. Your name's unknown.

    A wonderful topic actually. I'm not sure if what I've interpretted is what you had in mind, but if so it is certianly nice to see new topics for poetry. If, however, I have taken the entire thing a bit too far with my imagination, please correct me.

    It may be due to my distorted way of understanding that I disagree with Jason to say that I preferred the last stanzas to the first ones. Of course, I have possibly blinded myself to all lines apart from "You’re the last body found". In that case, this comment is probably useless.

    Thanks for listening either way,

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm, This a fairly good write and has some powerful images.

    I gather from this write a vision of someone that is burried alive.

    I get the feeling of being entombed in a snow grave. Being crushed by the wieght of the snow and fighting for breath.

    The ending tells me that there was more than one buried and being the last discovered. Maybe someone who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nameless because they were not accounted for.

    I like this even it seems a little morbid and maybe that is the reason I like it.

    I might be way off on this but hey that wouldn't be the first time.

    The imagery is fantastic.

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      The opening stanza is very strong. Beginning with questions is difficult to pull-off without becoming maudlin and instantly distancing your reader from you but you manage to draw them in with yours. Good work there.

    The following two stanzas answer the opening question defiantly and take the tone to explanation without any etheral exposition or pretense. It grabs by the throat, pulls you in close and states coldly.

    That said, you lose me with the fianl two stanzas. You just seem to drift off on a point you've already more then adiquetly explained. Understatement is always more powerful then overstatement. Trust your reader to take your well made point and bring something new.

    Good strong writing to start with but to me you trailed off. With some work I think this could be made much better.

    Jason The [censored]
    | Posted on 2006-01-07 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]


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