Hm..this was great. The description was great. Dying isn't always so fun, I would know. And to answer the questions in the first stanza, I can tremble and cry with my hands in any position, also, I hope I can still breathe even when I see white, I wanna be able to blow the white away, and be left in darkness, ya know? I think the last two stanza's could have been different, but eh, thats just me..I guess when you die, your name is unknown, till they find your wallet in the pocket of your bloody jacket, and then they've got your info. Id's suck. You could have described maybe the time of day, if it was darkness, even better, bad things happen in the night, Boo! Ahhh! Anyway, sorry if this is a weird comment, i'm just a little weird myself..Anywho, great poem, nice job, Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite! Or let them bite, if you like that kind of stuff, just kidding.
An excellent write, You are very descriptive in the way you described this persons terrible fate. I think that the first stanza is kind of in a different place, it doesn't really scream out as a great stanza like the rest.... I would of personally prefered it if you just took out the first stanza and left the rest as it is... Just my opinion Take Care, Danny
When I first read this I was picturing the mine accident that just occured, if maybe you were talking about it. but then I went back and noticed the bone covered velvet. which leads me to believe your talking about suffocation in some other way other then with dirt . your imagery of what he goes thru is great just not sure where he is to save him :)lol The only thing that I can see in your poem I might consider editing is line 2 "While your hand's clench tight?" or "With your hand's clenched tight?" JMO. thanks :)
This poem reminded me of a mass catastrophe, like a hurricane or something, where people are buried under their own homes. Many die, but some say alive, waiting for a saviour. You fight death until some person rescues you. Your name's unknown.
A wonderful topic actually. I'm not sure if what I've interpretted is what you had in mind, but if so it is certianly nice to see new topics for poetry. If, however, I have taken the entire thing a bit too far with my imagination, please correct me.
It may be due to my distorted way of understanding that I disagree with Jason to say that I preferred the last stanzas to the first ones. Of course, I have possibly blinded myself to all lines apart from "You’re the last body found". In that case, this comment is probably useless.
The opening stanza is very strong. Beginning with questions is difficult to pull-off without becoming maudlin and instantly distancing your reader from you but you manage to draw them in with yours. Good work there.
The following two stanzas answer the opening question defiantly and take the tone to explanation without any etheral exposition or pretense. It grabs by the throat, pulls you in close and states coldly.
That said, you lose me with the fianl two stanzas. You just seem to drift off on a point you've already more then adiquetly explained. Understatement is always more powerful then overstatement. Trust your reader to take your well made point and bring something new.
Good strong writing to start with but to me you trailed off. With some work I think this could be made much better.