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    dots Submission Name: bedtime spiritsdots

    Author: weepingwillow
    ASL Info:    23/f/Brighton
    Elite Ratio:    2.91 - 38/75/35
    Words: 59
    Class/Type: Deep Thought/Friendship
    Total Views: 1196
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 488

       i will never forget my friend

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsbedtime spiritsdots

    death imparts a soft wry gaze
    pointed feet, towards the door
    embellishment of love-spun days
    laughter peals resound no more

    spinning dizzy
    giddy shadows
    blackened carcass in the quiet
    nausea purging,utterly frightened
    imagine life without whats real

    optimism;like blood drains
    then anger bursts from every cell
    i cry such tears
    actions imagined
    living for you
    sweet bluebell

    Submitted on 2006-01-08 08:49:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is a good write ..I love the use of dramatic words to create a more powerful meaning ..rather then using a larger amount of words ...Nice job ..I have nothing to pick at ...Cept maybe that i agree with wewak down there
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by Krysti | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought this was very well done also. the end seems a little off rhythmically compared to the rest of your poem, but it's not a major problem. and wewak's suggestions are on the money. all in all, a great job.
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely done, I like your word choice here, it has the right amount of sadness mixed in with the beauty.

    I don't know about the style, maybe break up the first stanza so it looks more like the other two.

    With punctuation and the semi-colon you used, I'd make it like this:

    "optimism drains like blood
    then anger bursts from every cell"

    Only tiny points, I thought it was great!

    well done

    be happy

    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]

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