Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: bedtime spiritsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: weepingwillow
    ASL Info:    23/f/Brighton
    Elite Ratio:    2.91 - 38/75/35
    Words: 59
    Class/Type: Deep Thought/Friendship
    Total Views: 1196
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 488



    Description:
       i will never forget my friend


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsbedtime spiritsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    death imparts a soft wry gaze
    pointed feet, towards the door
    embellishment of love-spun days
    laughter peals resound no more

    spinning dizzy
    giddy shadows
    blackened carcass in the quiet
    nausea purging,utterly frightened
    imagine life without whats real

    optimism;like blood drains
    then anger bursts from every cell
    i cry such tears
    actions imagined
    living for you
    sweet bluebell




    Submitted on 2006-01-08 08:49:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is a good write ..I love the use of dramatic words to create a more powerful meaning ..rather then using a larger amount of words ...Nice job ..I have nothing to pick at ...Cept maybe that i agree with wewak down there
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by Krysti | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought this was very well done also. the end seems a little off rhythmically compared to the rest of your poem, but it's not a major problem. and wewak's suggestions are on the money. all in all, a great job.
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Nicely done, I like your word choice here, it has the right amount of sadness mixed in with the beauty.

    I don't know about the style, maybe break up the first stanza so it looks more like the other two.

    With punctuation and the semi-colon you used, I'd make it like this:

    "optimism drains like blood
    then anger bursts from every cell"

    Only tiny points, I thought it was great!

    well done

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    86824

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry