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    dots Submission Name: Ashleydots

    Author: PaulHudson
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Southend, Essex
    Elite Ratio:    5.56 - 70/71/19
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 878
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 634

       Honnest, she's that good... lol. I think i may have pushed the cheese levels through the roof on this one. lol. Let me know...

    Would really like to know what you think about this one.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    of minds
    and souls.

    Beauty's sparkling radiance
    silhouettes your aura gold.

    Sweet innocence
    from the perfect mould.

    A princess of an undeserving realm
    calming, caring, soothing
    in a hopeless world.

    Transcendent virtues
    with an angel's touch.

    Pure as mountain streams,
    Mesmerising as silent dreams.

    Amidst heavenly harps,
    scattered lights ark
    and tides part

    As you enlighten
    humblest of hearts.

    Submitted on 2006-01-08 13:55:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This is a lovely poem. I wonder if this person is your girlfriend or merely just someone you admire. Your description doesnt say friendship or love, so it is hard to say but to me, it sounds like you love this person. This poem is very descriptive allowing the reader to really connect with what you are saying about her. To draw their own image and conclusion in their mind as they read. Very nice job with this. It is lovely. Take care.

    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      wow... I must say this is one of the most romantic things I've read by a male(no offence please).
    The words well chosen, touching, and last but not least they reach a womans heart. So if that was your intention with Ashly you dont need luck your poem says it all.
    I loved the 'Pure as mountains streams' part most, very nice comparison.
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by jaded17 | [ Reply to This ]
      Arhhhh the sentiments of a true romantic, trailing his hart long behind is head. Rules constitute the consecration of marriage, allowing small, rational, unilaterally quantifying, amounts of mutual respect for your 'misses'.

    It would be a shame if I let my hart, deceive my head, I would be… we would be totally in love. GOD FORBID THE DAMNATION OF LACK OF CONTROL! The idea of giddy eyes, gullibly missing her ‘niggles’, her smallest, sweetest pimple, her tendency to laugh when she shouldn’t.

    If what I write in this poem wasn’t true… It would depict my elation.
    If what I say in this poem is true… Imagine my illation.
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by PaulHudson | [ Reply to This ]
      Try reading Huxley's "Brave New World" and see yourself as the noble savage believing in the purity of women. Some women are lucky enough to be born beautiful, but that only means that the particular conformationof their figure or features triggers a pre-conceived template in the male brain. But don't believe for one second that there is any correlation between beauty and purity. A girl with the face of an angel could be the randiest little whore in Christendom whereas some plain Jane could have the personality of Mother Theresa. Furthermore, never take the next step from beauty to purity to soul! Now there's a concept that's pretty hard to pin down. Keep souls for hymns and sermons. Leave them out of poetry.
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      Truely a beautiful piece that you have here. I must say that I have read a couple of your poems and I do beleive that you are one of the best writters on this site

    Your work explodes with passion and raw emotion. It is often hard to write about very personal feelings and expiriences and bring the reader into your world... you do this incredibly. The reader is pulled into your poems and is often left breathless by the last line.

    This poem was especially beautiful not only because it is based on actual events, but being a woman I think we all dream of meeting that perfect person for us... you have captured that moment perfectly here... I guess it gives us hopeless dreamers a ounce of hope for pure love.

    I loved the second stanza most of all mainly because auras fascinate me...
    "Beauty's sparkling radiance
    silhouettes your aura gold."... although I have never seen an aura of gold I am sure that it is breath-takingly beautiful.

    Anyway, now I am rambling, a great write and a new favorite... we can still dream of meeting the ideal person, right? Best of luck with your new love and please continue to write and post.

    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by stormyskye | [ Reply to This ]
      Well I didn't spot any cheese in this poem, I thought is was really honest and open. I wish guys talked like this to the ladies, instead of the usual macho bullshi* we hear. It's a lovely poem, full of romance and if your lady reads this, she will melt. I agree with the point about the commas but that's all you need to worry about, the rest is excellent.
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by litllost | [ Reply to This ]
      hey hey hey. this my friend is your structure... most writers have a structure, one that they write the best with, i think this is yours, fall back on it when ever you have to because this is an excellent poem, it flows really really well, i don't think i would have a hope in hell writing with this structure but you do it and you seem to do it so easily, most people who write in this structure the poetry seems to jerk around and the rhythm seems unballanced but this write is awsome. Very sweet and sinsere, it's a very beautiful piece and i really enjoyed reading it, im jealouse of this girl... never met her but im jealous.
    xox keep writing.
    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by thoughts | [ Reply to This ]
      It's amazing how much you love this girl, lol. I wish there were more guys so passionate.

    You really want to know what I think? Here:
    You've put in too many commas. When you put a word on a new line there is rarely need for a comma, unless of course the entire stanza/verse/section is one thought. Let me write this out with different punctuation (along with a few minor spelling errors), you really don't need so much - the reader knows when to stop.

    of minds
    and souls.

    Beauty's sparkling radiance
    silhouettes your aura gold.

    Sweet innocence
    from the perfect mould.

    A princess
    of an undeserving realm
    calming, caring, soothing
    in a hopeless world.

    Transcendent virtues
    with an angel's touch.

    Pure as mountain streams,
    Mesmerising as silent dreams.

    Amidst heavenly harps,
    scattered lights ark
    and tides part

    As you enlighten
    humblest of hearts."

    You'll see I've edited quite a lot of the punctuation, as well as spelling mistakes and spacing. In the third line you say "innocence enchanted from". Although I understand your meaning, as it's very obvious, you can't say "enchanted from". I suggest you look for another verb to replace enchanted, although it did fit in rather well with the piece.

    Those are my thoughts of the piece. Those and the fact that your Ashely is one very lucky girl (the last guy I dated couldn't even spell!)

    Keep posting,

    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds like quite the female, Like the last that I commented on, I like your word selection. What I liked most was the rhyme scheme which was loose in parts and sort of sporadic worked really well and the whole thing rolled easily off the tounge.
    My only nit-picks would be that the first stanza is maybe short of a syllable or two and as a result the start is a little bumpy.
    And that stanza four could be shortened to three lines just to keep in line with the rest of the poem
    A nice read though

    | Posted on 2006-01-08 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]

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