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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Leaving Lessons to Learndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: beatthedrum
    ASL Info:    55- F - Southern CA USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 881/810/122
    Words: 97
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 686
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 615



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLeaving Lessons to Learndots
    -------------------------------------------


    My soul is moving like
    silver water in a rocky stream.
    The stones aren't slowing my motion.
    My heart passes between, over and beyond
    and begins to sing.

    My life is like a rock
    over washed by a stream.
    With pressure and motion
    water passes between, over and beyond
    to slowly smooth.

    I am perched on the bank
    of a full and swift stream.
    It is a classroom in motion
    Time passes between, over and beyond
    leaving lessons to learn.

    I am the writer, water,
    stone and student.




    Submitted on 2006-01-09 00:15:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I do like this version better, except for the ending. I think you should have left that as it was. adding 'the writer' throws it off. and there's something about threes that I remember being told when listing things, use only three. anyway, this is shaping up nicely. it's more together, more cohesive. nice job, Chrystine! and don't mind my nitpicking--some of my suggestions might be useful to you but they are certainly not the last word. I have a long way to go before I can realistically give good writing advice!
    | Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this but something about it bothered me. too many silvers, rocks and streams I think but I get the drift and see what you were trying to do. maybe a rewording somehow although I have no idea what would make it better specifically. I do like the way you ended it and the imagery of the third stanza. it's good but I think it needs a little something more. maybe more variety in your images. aaaarrgh!! I don't know. still a nice piece! don't mind me.
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Chrystine

    Absolutely fantastic

    This is one of the best thought out poems I have read in a while
    Your topic of discussion a rock is extremely creative
    You then gave that rock a beautiful life

    Once Again another Great Write from you
    God Bless
    Ron

    How are things back in SoCal
    I am here in NJ on vacation with Mom
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, no comments
    what where those 1st five thinking.
    I really like this piece.
    I wish it was a little longer, but
    just so that I would have more of it to read.
    You might not like this suggestion,
    but how about omitting the last 2 lines,
    and changing the title to
    I am the Water, the Stone, the Student
    okay, maybe not, but I do like that line, minus the "While here:" but I don't think it's a good fit at the end, maybe you could repeat "I am the Water, the Stone, the Student"
    throughout the piece to give the piece balance.
    Does that make any sense?
    I'm still thinking the title should be more (although I shouldn't talk because I still have one "untitled"
    Another thought, how about
    *making me smooth* instead of "to make ..."
    Anywho, I enjoyed the read,
    it feels almost classic. Very Nice!
    Nicely
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]


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    86891

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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