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    dots Submission Name: Candydots

    Author: HaldirLives
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 234/149/60
    Words: 58
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 631
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 400

       A lovesick poem.
    I was trying to be Shakespearean when I wrote this. Not sure how successful I was. I'd like tips on grammar, cuz I'm not sure it's correct, either.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    You are candy for my soul –
    Aches my stomach,
    Churns my heart.
    O! nothing to Venus,
    Is the cruelty of Mars.
    The mean huntress,
    She has me sighted;
    And I you.
    What ploys gods play
    On mortal souls.
    What toys we are,
    What playthings.
    An indulgence,
    Like a sugary sweet.
    I am sick of them,
    With you.

    Submitted on 2006-01-09 04:49:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      im agreeing with Ethan on this one, i feel "candy" isn't enough of a word unless you use it in a different way... there's not enough urgency in the word "candy"... not unless you are obsessive over the stuff... in which case you could describe it in a simile... eg... um trying to think how to put it *frowns* no sori... candy is just bad, there isn't any urgency, it would be like bright lightes in the dim of night are to a mosquito... though candy... like candy to a child on a sugar high. People often use drugs, but there's other ways to explain this feeling... you just have to think urgency otherwise you sound like a 12 year old girl with a crush. though all this aside you did pretty well with the shakespear form i think you need to re read and re write... maybe a few things, try reading(if u haven't already) a few verses from romeo and julieta nd then try to re write it. Reguardless of the things i say i actually liked your poem. keep writing.
    | Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by thoughts | [ Reply to This ]
      I consider that your attempt wasn't bad at all. But you could've been even more passionate than that.

    One thing I'd change is the word "candy". It is such a mundane word that doesn't help to accomplish what you want. Maybe “poison”,” acid” could help or some other powerful word that gives that impression. Then I reached line 8 and thought that was quite confusing probably it shouldn’t be there at all. Perhaps if you say something like

    "She has sighted me;
    And I've beheld you."

    It may sound better. Just a suggestion, probably another word could do better.

    I did enjoy that part when you refer to the Gods. However, I reckon that the word “Trick” wasn’t suitable either. In fact it’s too common to be included in a poem like this.

    Additionally, you may consider using inversion since as you know he used it a lot for example: “Full of scorpions is my mind” in order to give emphasis … But I guess that you know this … I don’t want to sound like I’m teaching you or anything, not my intention at all.

    Well, that’s about it. Feel free to wave aside all I’ve said

    Take care and keep writing.

    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]

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