Description: A lovesick poem.
I was trying to be Shakespearean when I wrote this. Not sure how successful I was. I'd like tips on grammar, cuz I'm not sure it's correct, either.
You are candy for my soul –
Aches my stomach,
Churns my heart.
O! nothing to Venus,
Is the cruelty of Mars.
The mean huntress,
She has me sighted;
And I you.
What ploys gods play
On mortal souls.
What toys we are,
Like a sugary sweet.
I am sick of them,
im agreeing with Ethan on this one, i feel "candy" isn't enough of a word unless you use it in a different way... there's not enough urgency in the word "candy"... not unless you are obsessive over the stuff... in which case you could describe it in a simile... eg... um trying to think how to put it *frowns* no sori... candy is just bad, there isn't any urgency, it would be like bright lightes in the dim of night are to a mosquito... though candy... like candy to a child on a sugar high. People often use drugs, but there's other ways to explain this feeling... you just have to think urgency otherwise you sound like a 12 year old girl with a crush. though all this aside you did pretty well with the shakespear form i think you need to re read and re write... maybe a few things, try reading(if u haven't already) a few verses from romeo and julieta nd then try to re write it. Reguardless of the things i say i actually liked your poem. keep writing. *thoughts*~jeni
I consider that your attempt wasn't bad at all. But you could've been even more passionate than that.
One thing I'd change is the word "candy". It is such a mundane word that doesn't help to accomplish what you want. Maybe “poison”,” acid” could help or some other powerful word that gives that impression. Then I reached line 8 and thought that was quite confusing probably it shouldn’t be there at all. Perhaps if you say something like
"She has sighted me; And I've beheld you."
It may sound better. Just a suggestion, probably another word could do better.
I did enjoy that part when you refer to the Gods. However, I reckon that the word “Trick” wasn’t suitable either. In fact it’s too common to be included in a poem like this.
Additionally, you may consider using inversion since as you know he used it a lot for example: “Full of scorpions is my mind” in order to give emphasis … But I guess that you know this … I don’t want to sound like I’m teaching you or anything, not my intention at all.
Well, that’s about it. Feel free to wave aside all I’ve said