Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bride Persephonedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TD
    ASL Info:    34/f/Aust
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 92/81/21
    Words: 275
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 817
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1830



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBride Persephonedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I believe it's that time again.
    It happens more now than then
    I pick at it

    Some sort of seeping blister, my hair
    Shedding like an overweight fry cook,
    My bloody scalp

    A furnace,
    My hospital trolley bed, waiting
    In a corridor.

    But if I look closer, the bed,
    It is empty except for strands of hair,
    Strands of regret.

    Frozen in horror, I watch
    His finger blister and burn in the gas.
    No one else sees the charred remains.

    They prattle about this, about that,
    Digging corn chips into dip,
    Until the barbeque lunch is done.

    And I pick at it
    The threads I dare not show
    To another living soul.

    The living interned,
    The grasping hands pull and tear,
    Wringing hankies made of steel.

    A queue forms to lay a flower,
    A poppy to forget.
    My fragile skin

    Bleeds a little more.
    The dead do not bleed,
    But vanish in the crowd.

    I shove my way through, my eyes
    Dry as a childhood dream,
    I search for thoughts that fall

    And scatter in the floating threads
    Of my hair, and I'm scared,
    So very scared.

    What hell have I seen
    A fish gasping for air on the floor,
    The struggle punctuated

    By pain.
    I dissolve, my heart dissolves
    Into something too terrible

    To contemplate.
    So I pick at it,
    And pray:

    Please give me back what I lost,
    The dying, the dead,
    The one who crossed.

    But sorrow is silent,
    Leaving matters undone.
    I wait until it's time again.




    Submitted on 2006-01-09 07:24:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      TD,

    Well fark me! That is one freakily haunting piece. And i just finished reading a very disturbing book and by all rights should be completely de-sensitised to such feelings. Anguish just tears out of this work like fingers down a blackboard.

    Yeas, well Jennifer i very correct about the emotions working through this, it feels everything of being split half in this world hades, hell, limbo, whatever... lost... ah a better word - displaced. Yes that very uncomfortable feeling.

    The imagery of the bleeding and torn scalp, and the repetition of that line:

    And I pick at it

    are most effective, which i found extemely unsettling and brilliant.

    Your stanza selection and form worked amazingly, emphasising the feeling of displacement, sentences broken, uneven.

    My favourite passage is this one:

    What hell have I seen
    A fish gasping for air on the floor,
    The struggle punctuated

    By pain.
    I dissolve, my heart dissolves
    Into something too terrible

    To contemplate.
    So I pick at it,
    And pray:

    But there was one stanza that i kinda missed, i don't know, the imagery didn't seem to form in my mind. But then having said that, i still found it bitter to read and not out of place. It's this one:

    The living interned,
    The grasping hands pull and tear,
    Wringing hankies made of steel.

    Anyway, i gotta say that this is the most different work of yours i've read, scarily so. I really like it and am completly disturbed by it. Well done!

    Abzy
    | Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by Abzy | [ Reply to This ]
      This was beautifully writen.
    I love the way that you brought the story of Persephone to life.
    You brought a lot of feelings & emotions, some wonderful picture of the pain of the life she had to live.

    There is not much else to say.
    I love the form you used, it kept you thinking. I read it twice & enjoyed it very much both times.
    I would go far enough to say that it is perfect, you wrote it very well.
    I have no suggestions on making it better.

    Take care
    ~jennifer

    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    86905

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry