Description: Ibiza, Café Mambo… the sun is setting, people have gathered on the beach outside. We are listing to Dance music, but the scene is civil, mature, this is the hart of the island, as the dance music community knows it.
Some how every night when the sun sets, everyone, cheers and claps. I don’t know how it started, but when you are there, you understand why.
The sensory exhilaration is incomprehensible, especially when you are quite lifted anyway. The night begins, things happen, all over the island people a born for the first time, sadly some die. When the sun rises, a lot of people make their way to the beach for a ‘soulful funky after party’.
For the benefit of this piece, I should also explain that my spirituality extends no further than the capability of my mind. Some times, we feel better connected with our, soul, spiritual self, God, biological system. What ever you want to call it, it is the same feeling.
There is the background, this is how it feels.
(I understand some may not agree with the subject matter, I don’t mean to offend those who believe in god, and I don’t condone breaking the law.)
You've confessed from your perspective that God must be felt with the senses (which I gather from your description of how you relate to divinity), and that faith without manifestation is merely hollow confession when faced with the pleasures of the world. In other words, heaven is what you feel among those sharing the same sensation (and the rule and law of God can't compete with this power). I think I felt the same way about 25 years ago. That was then, this is now (for me, at least). An interesting concept of heaven. Take care and keep posting. Bill.
What I like here is the nice austeer begining that climbs up to a nice bouncy, undulating kind of free for all then calms itself with the close of the night. Ending a little wired but descidedly tired. A palpable echo to a night of good natured revelling.
Your word choices convayed a fine sense of grounding through the piece, a thinking man's wild time, and your theme is pleasently unusual.
My one critique here would be to "tighten" the piece a little and trim a little.
"permeates deep into my body inspiring my soul."
Maybe "permeates the body, inspiring the soul"
Flows a little better and alludes to the sort of "group consciousness" you mentioned in your discussion.
S4L5: Lose "spiritual", it's well-implied and constricts the line a bit.
S6/L1: Go with adoring or linger, the line feel encumbered but seems to want some speed.
S8/L1: I'd (pure taste I conceed) go with "placid" in place of "peaceful". It's a less worn word and the doubble "L" sounds can trip the tongue a bit.
Just some suggestions, take what you like.
I think the piece is otherwise quite strong and its a cut above much of what I see out here, wanting only a little tweeking to take it up another notch.
Hi Paul, Not something that I can identify with, the Ibiza thing isn't my scene really, nothing wrong with the poem but I think you have to have had the experience to fully appreciate it, if you see what I'm getting at. Interesting structure, I like the addition of the couplet half way through and no rhyme elsewhere that was pretty cool, although I'm not too keen on the actual lines, they seem out of place among the rest of the content. Once more I really like your choice of words, your descriptions are a definate strong point.
I found this piece rather simply. It didn't move me in any way. And you are right since the theme wasn't really appealing. Additionally I thought that - at times -the flow was a bit galling especially concerning the middle stanzas.
Moreover, I must admit I was quite surprised when you imply that your God is "Something that you saw or experienced there" which for me is to say that what moves or what you believe in is the bliss that the place gives you. I'm not admonishing you though...
All this remainds of something I wrote called "One delightfully magic night" where I expressed all that I had felt in one given night.
I did like some of the religious implications that were presented at the beginning. Well, feel free to push aside all I've said.