untitled by Leala

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Submission Name: untitled dots

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Author:	Leala
Elite Ratio:	3.72 - 245/299/70
Words:	176

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	320
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1211

Description:
I just wrote this in the submit box. No editing has been done except that editing you go through when writing. This is the raw piece people. Raw,raw,raw.

What do you think? What can I change?

Sorry about this, I couldnt concentrate and had to get this out. so here it is.. ENJOY!

untitled dots

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I cant concentrate.
The thought of your hands.
Your mouth.
On me.

I looked into your eyes
and I was found.
Others might say,
she's lost in love.
Oh, but they don't know,
I've finally been found.
Wandering, wandering
that's been my role.

Until Now.

I made a vow
of abstinence until after
I don that robe and hat
walk across that stage;
graduation.

I will keep that vow,
but you are the first
the first to ever tempt me.
Because our souls seem bound
and my body is wanting to follow.

But I can handle that,
just looking into your eyes
kissing your lips
hugging you
holding your hand
its enough for me.

When its hard for me to leave
its not because I wish to tumble
tumble in that bed
make our love physical.
Its because, when I walk away
my soul is torn apart.

I just want
to be close to you
to talk
to look
to laugh
to feel comfortable for the first time.

Submitted on 2006-01-09 16:59:51 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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4: Pretty cool
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||| Comments |||
  ok, first thing, posts that are typed into the box direct usually look exactly like that.

Write the piece, then leave it for a day. read it, and it's amazing what you see after the "cooling-down period" The more times you can do this, the better the piece seems to become.

Don't get me wrong, I encourage spontonaiety, but on paper first, and don't get me doubly wrong, this is a nice little write, I'd prefer to see it brilliant. Your theme of abstinence is really good, but there are things in there that could be better. Depends what you're after I guess.

be happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2006-03-01 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmmm...I thought that was the only way to write...just put it in the box and click and go. Many people write different ways. I use the "first draft is the final draft" method. Give it a once over before hitting the submit button and then "viola" done, onto the next one.

You did fine with this. Its not a write that is supposed to be the greatest thing ever written and I think you knew that when writing it...but it is a good write as far as giving a description and insight into a certain situation. And in that, you pulled it off well.

| Posted on 2006-03-10 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  i liked it but there were a few little tweaks that don't necessarily need to be done but it would look better that way... I didn't really understand what point you were trying to put across but it was very spiritual. Good job
~ms.understood
| Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by Rehian | [ Reply to This ]
  allrighty let's see here lalala ok hmm now I would defin… oh yeah take off the last 6 lines. no please don’t fold those arms no, no pouting either I just cant be hammered by “to” I know you want to express all those things and that is good really it is but I think I pretty much got the idea with what was written before.

now in the first stanza screams octopus lover that just can’t keep those tentacles away. ick blah then they wanna snuggle all the time eww gross hahaha. I get it though someone who makes advances that are not welcomed and good for you to want to set boundaries.

stanza two: now this is nice the wandering and such but tsk tsk we gotta take care of these pesky corrections. I need to charge up my hand held phaser with enhanced ability to transmogrify and correct words. shhh its not even on the market yet. ok on line 4 you have “shes” *zap!* “moo!” oops outta tune there please hold one moment *zap! “she’s” there much better. line five “dont” *zap!* “merry Christmas* great, not only is this thing broken it's putting out old seasons greetings *zap!* “don’t” that’s it cool. ok I see another one there on the 8 line “thats” *zap!* “that’s” great! “abstinency” *zap!* “what are you some kinda of tough guy?” oops sorry that is uncle Vinnie there, he said he was gonna give me cement shoes if I don’t pay him back the juice. *zap!* “abstinence” ok let me put away this dangerous device never know it might misfire and kill my whole comment! ha dont you wish! hahahaha ok as for the rest you have good principles in telling your love that kissing is enough. as long as you set the boundaries then they know what is up. very nice write I like people who let others know what is going on without guessing, best of writing to you in your future writes,

~mike
| Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by inspirit999 | [ Reply to This ]

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