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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lesson of the Willowdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: adnil
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 514/286/57
    Words: 202
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1426
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1219



    Description:
       some may think that this corporal punishment is bad thing to of done to a kid, but I was on the end of that switch and I have to say it actually taught me far more then then it hurt its the only time in my life I ever( stoled) something and I've never been dumb enough to take a dare again either
    anyway I'm sure this may need some more work to it so any one with idea's just speak up thanks adnil
    P.S. Granny didn't win that ribbon that year
    cause me and all my cousins eat the best pie in the whole state


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLesson of the Willowdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Memories can be good or bad
    Happy or sad
    They can be warm and fawn
    Or as miserable as a rainy day dawn
    Treasured like gold buried in a mine
    Loved so much there often brought to mind
    My favorite one is of Granny
    And the first time she ever spanked my fanny
    Must of been about six
    Started crying even before she got her switch
    Said it was gonna hurt her more then me
    Couldn't see how that could possibly be
    Well my bottom sure smarted thats for sure
    Yet the memory that remains is pure
    And lesson not to do a wrong twice
    Cause stealing one of Grannys pie's wasn't nice
    Specially when they was marked for the prize
    Blue ribbon county fair wise
    Granny had had her heart set on
    And I hadn't realized tell later what I'd done
    The other kids had dared me to take it
    They was smart enough to know granny would have a fit
    Though I had it coming like it or not
    Dang! thats one pie..that was worth every swat
    For years I'd wondered how it hurt her more then me
    After all..on the other end of that willow switch..was my fanny




    Submitted on 2006-01-09 17:08:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Funny. But felt forced. maybe its the way i read it - but certain lines seemed too crammed together, and others too short. The story was good, made me grin - which is a good thing, doesnt happen much atm.
    I hate it when people call work 'cute' how embarrasing!

    Keep it up - good things can come from this, positive attitudes towards constructive criticism help alot. Cheers.

    Mstr Rz
    | Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by master raz | [ Reply to This ]
      Hahaha! Ya know, this is really cute. This was such a fun poem to read and it put a smile on my face that is still there. haha! See...
    Ohhh...I bet that pie was most definitely worth a reddened fanny! My grandma makes kick ass apple pies and as many times as I have made them, they never come out as good as hers does. I imagine its because she made it and it kinda reminds me of the holidays when I was a kid everytime I have one of her pies. Very nice poem you have here. Always nice to read a poem about a personal experience. It really adds meaning and sincerity to the write. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-01-21 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      The ending was original, funny, and tart. The poem itself felt as though it would simply end like any other with a simple, dull paraphrase of what had happened before, but obviously, this was not the case.

    The rhyme felt a little forced to me as well. The basic grammatical structure of a few lines were skewed to get the words to come out right, and it was rather noticeable. Beyond that, the rhyming words were rather dull. Bad/sad, me/be, it/fit in particular. That's not to say there weren't a few gems in there. I particularly liked not/swat and the slant rhyme six/switch. Very nice.

    Overall, I could get the feeling of what you were expressing, and enjoyed the final line, but in the end, the forced rhyme kinda overshadowed this venture.

    By the way, thanks for your comment on Fuzzy.
    | Posted on 2006-01-17 00:00:00 | by Tissue | [ Reply to This ]
      lol. I know exactly how you feel. never got swatted for stealing but got it a couple of times for fighting w/ my brother. This is a great piece, I love the humor and the lesson learned. definitely a fave. keep up the great work.
    J
    | Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]
      this was terrific.. such a great thought..
    for me it flowed good.. and if your gonna
    fix it fix it because you want too and you
    found something better to make if better
    for you.. poems are never one way or
    the other the writer is who makes the
    poem their very own.. bravo .. this was too
    cute.. and yeah I can relate

    peace & smiles
    Penny
    | Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by pennymarie | [ Reply to This ]
      I liedk this, more often than not I was the one who in trouble for something my brother had dared me to do, so I can relate to this and I think that the rhyme was spot on. I liked this certainly a lot nicer than some of the poems I have read of late mostly about cutting and suicide. A nice change.

    Great Job

    Tink
    | Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by babytinkerbelle | [ Reply to This ]
      hmm. the forced rhyme stuck out a little bit but not as much since it seemed to add to the back home old country feel. if you know what I mean :-)

    other than that not much. I just wanted to disagree with kalis on that point. to show you not everyone hated that!!.

    it was funny and cute also :-).
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by Leala | [ Reply to This ]
      Umm forced rhyme was what stuck out to me the most. I can relate, I got spanked as a kid only more often for my mouth getting me into trouble. Overall I thought it was kinda funny, and your idea was true enough. Keep up the effort, I am no perfect either just tryin to lend some lines.
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by Kalis | [ Reply to This ]
      This one is really cute
    I didnt see the forced rhyming people are mentioning at all with this write
    To me this flowed very well and really captured an important message
    In life we live by what are parents or in your case and mine from 12-15 grandparents say
    I am not saying is was right to hit you with a switch
    But in some cases a smack on the rear is a good thing
    God Bless
    Your Friend
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-03-06 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


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