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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Drugs Won't Work!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: corruptedspirit
    ASL Info:    26/Male/England (Swindon
    Elite Ratio:    5.38 - 160/185/56
    Words: 223
    Class/Type: Poetry/Friendship
    Total Views: 263
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1387



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Drugs Won't Work!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The edge for you closer than you think,
    One step to many and you'll be in the drink,
    You live for now and not think ahead,
    Carry on you'll soon be dead.

    An addictive hobby you've chose to start,
    All because of your now broken heart,
    This is not answer that you seek,
    Carry on and the outlook is bleak.

    My friend i tell you because i care,
    And no matter what i'll forever be there,
    But i can't help once you've passed away,
    And i fear i may soon be seeing that day.

    I don't want to put you in the ground,
    Come talk to this friend you've found.
    I'll help you and do anything it takes.
    Let me help now before my weak heart breaks

    I'll give my life to save your soul,
    I do whatever, pay any toll
    I've stuck by when others shouted and turned,
    I've stuck by even when your harsh words burned.

    So give it all up and let me help you through,
    Is it worth dying because your down and blue?
    Do it now before it is to late,
    Believe me life can still be great.

    My smile always here,
    I'll try banish your every fear,
    Wipe away your every tear,
    you can live through this year!






    Submitted on 2006-01-09 17:31:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hi there, I never understand why people choose to take this road, but I suppose I'm not required to.
    This is a sad poem but heartwarming and hopeful at the same time, that at least there is a friend and a possible light at the end of the tunnel. Your feelings come through very strong in this and the only changes I might make are

    Let me help now before my heart weakens and breaks'

    The line will be longer but then you have a transition from a stout heart to a frail one as the attempts to help the friend fail, if you get my drift.

    An addictive hobby you've dared to start,
    maybe?

    Nicely written

    TTFN
    V
    | Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      Overall I think that this poem is pretty good. I don't want to sound like an ass but have to say that one of my biggest pet peeves is seeing someone write excellent poetry and then not pay any attention to minute grammar details. You've got to capatize the letter "i" in the first 3 stanzas. I also want to suggest changing the word "chose" to "chosen" so it mixes with the word "broken" in the line after. I think you have a really good start on this one and I think you could make it kick ass with just a little tweaking. I really liked the emotion and the theme you were trying to portray with this poem. I'll look forward to reading any revisions you make, if you decide to make them.

    Corey
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by Ravenwood | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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