Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: InTransitdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 679
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 851



    Description:
       Once, it was required of executioners to be excellent storytellers, and they would often promise a condemned man a paradise of sensuality after death that would rival what Islamic fundamentalists are promised upon killing the infidel in modern times. This poem was composed to celebrate those legendary liars.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInTransitdots
    -------------------------------------------


    If this particular
    existence doesn't
    enthrall you in her
    golden moment,
    perhaps another will;
    lost souls in search
    of a separate heaven
    require a peculiar skill.

    I can provide
    the pinprick
    release of all
    that agony,
    with the flick of a
    wrist and a well timed
    crack of thunderous
    purity.

    Sleep now
    as I prepare
    the brew fit for
    kings with heavy
    crowns, and old men
    in search of rest,
    the touch of nutmeg
    in a slender glass,
    at one with a whisper
    no muse caressed,
    the potion is passed
    the hour blessed,
    drawn down to
    a sunless sea;
    let lovers lap
    at your shimmering
    sides, the best
    is yet to be.




    Submitted on 2006-01-09 19:50:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      To be honest I had to read this twice to get the rhythm right, at first I didnt realise that there was meant to be a particular rhythm to it. I liked it anyway (isn't "liked" such an annoying little non-emotion?, sorry about that) but i found myself liking...sorry...loving particular lines which maybe made me lose sight of the bigger picture.

    I do feel that it needed the introduction.

    my favourite lines:

    "crack of thunderous purity"...

    and although the ending was simplicity I loved it: "the best is yet to be"...

    the worrying thing is that you manage to think like an executioner!

    I have to say that now i have found the rhythm of the poem I appreciate it even more. That the rhyme isnt obvious is maybe a good thing. There is enough obvious poetry doing the rounds and your style seems unique to me.

    well done.
    | Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes!
    Haha, got the rhythm immediately.

    Anyway, as is my stupidity, I read the poem before the description and thought thought it was about suicide by cutting, then realized it wasn't and throught it was suicide by poison like Romeo and Juliet.

    Anyway now that I've read it, I understand, and it's completely fitting to the theme. I don't feel like analyzing, I know bad me, but I really thought that this was worth commenting on, if not to critsize then at least to give you an ego boost by telling you that it's good.

    I love the "touch of nutmeg in a slender glass" lines.
    | Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by Sipthefallensky | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting subject that lead you to some most interesting lines...
    "crack of thunderous
    purity."

    "the brew fit for
    kings with heavy
    crowns,"

    I love them. I do tend to agree with David on the matter of ending a line with 'a', and think that the following may be a possiblity...

    "with the flick
    of a wrist
    and a well timed"

    that was 'flick' and 'wrist' are able to play off one another better. Anyhow, very nice...thank you for this post, I really enjoyed it. ^_^
    | Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by I_Bleed_Ink | [ Reply to This ]
      I think your lineation could use a little work, myself. How you end a line is very important and I'm sure you know this. With the break a reader, or speaker, will naturally take at the end of a line, unless clued to do otherwise, ending on a weak word like 'a' makes the speaker sound hesitant. It's like throwing an 'Ummm' into a speech. Also... with the thought behind the idea... sending the convict to a better place, good strong endwords will add to your poem subliminally... heightening that sense of better, stronger things to come. It's a great poem.
    | Posted on 2006-01-11 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow firstly amazing fact! Had no idea about that! I hate to leave a lame post, but I did really like the flow, the subject was VERY original, and so was your writing. It had a very mythical feel to it.

    ‘the pinprick
    release of all’

    Referring to lethal injection… I take it, love it. Great description, you lead into this poem fantastically in the first and second stanza and I was totally gripped till the end.

    Also ‘the potion is passed, the hour blessed,’ the idea of the hour being blessed when the guy is dying… for a crime! Lol. Great! Sums up in one the whole poem. Cracking! lol

    I like a lot of metaphors and emotive language in poetry, but this really didn’t need much. A delight to read… sorry I’m not being more constructive, but I wouldn’t change a bloody thing! Lol.
    | Posted on 2006-01-09 00:00:00 | by PaulHudson | [ Reply to This ]
      It's refrshing to read a poem/poet and have the task of looking for words that are out of place instead of finding them out of place as you go along. Your writing is tight, filled with interesting concepts and well developed ones at that. I imagine you could format this poem so that it flowed better but I don't doubt that you would have achieved that if it was your main goal. I liked the variations in rhythm and the way the rhymes met up eventually...easier said than done.

    Wonderful visuals and contrasts.

    DB
    | Posted on 2006-01-17 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    86973

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    mimicry written by expiring_touch
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    untitled written by ShyOne
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Records I written by Raphael
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    The World written by jjd
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    To the Devil and Candle written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Carry written by saartha
    Cover written by saartha
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Shi written by ShyOne

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry