Flourishing Descent
Conjecturing my guilt like proving existence.
It becomes a challenge to think with ribs impaled by demilance
Leaping into the cleansing water long forgotten
I realize that it has become impure and rotten
Dragging my carcass into this dismal Sanity
I see that all life feeds off of vanity
And I gaze into the broken mirror casting truth into the sands
My mind sighs as it crashes into foreign distant lands
The liquid that builds behind my eyes goad to be released but I deny
And I embrace the moment feeling the now, as euphoria cascades down as droplets from the sky
Reaching into myself feeling the skin snap as I push my fingers in the cracks
Realizing that I am hollow as my shell begins to crumble and my iron soul turns to wax
As I drag myself along searching for that instant where I can feel alive
It has become so very tedious and draining, do I even want to survive?
Now the beauty that once bewildered me then, has grown old and scared and left me for dead
It's been so long to recall a solitary word you said
And within a broken moment of realization I saw that all of the colours merged to gray
And my spirit finally gave up and the shadows kissed and began to pull me in, maybe I should just fade away.
I would suggest trying to shorten the third line slightly so if falls in line with second. Stanza four, line two, may i suggest that you change the way you've written the last few words i.e My mind sighs as it crashes into distant, foreign lands As you put foriegn before distant and by doimg so i feel you made the word distant a useless one. When someone suggests foriegn then you automatically think of distant however at least this way you can use both words without one being meaningless as adding distant before foriegn i feel emphasizes the word foriegn.
"has grown old and scared and left me" In this part maybe try "has grown old, scared and left me" It just cuts out the extra "and" and reads better.
The only other things i offer on your writing is try and even out all your paired lines to roughly the same amount of syllables, it will improve the way your piece is read and create a natural flowing rhythm.
Right now the critism is out the way, and sorry by the way for posting so much.... This piece isn't bad at all, i actually liked the way you described your feelings.
Dragging my carcass into this dismal Sanity I see that all life feeds off of vanity
I particually liked these two lines you've managed to say so much with such minimal words. And it's true vainity is a big part of modern day life as the world we live in becomes more superficial by the day. I would say you have the foundations of a great piece but could really do with a few edits before it's truely complete. Take Care Danny
Beautifully writen sorrow. Whats the use of being a survivior? Where do you go next? You conquer one darkness & another darker one comes along just as you get comfortable.
I love the rhyming, in the begining it was a bit shaky but as the poem moved on it florished into this picture of a broken soul, wondering why to move on.
The discriptions were quite heartwrenching as you brought the scene into my mind.
'Reaching into myself feeling the skin snap as I push my fingers in the cracks Realizing that I am hollow as my shell begins to crumble and my iron soul turns to wax'
That was my favorite part, the feeling of just falling apart & inside there is nothing, just dust & wax.
I love the language here. The way you word things adds meaning. And it has a lot of meaning here. "Sinful vices" indeed. I believe we all have some of those, ne?
I especially like how you end it with that single word, "...sink."
Sinfull vices, they seem to have destroyed you for sure! They make you hollow, along with all these other very well concieved analigies which have overtaken with. That overflowing feeling is soon replaced by not wanting to go on! Beautifully worded, and a quite well written piece, that speaks loudly its message. It appears our Runnaway Poet has returned with a masterpiece of insight into lifes dismal addictions. Enjoyed this much, so I did! Later
Submission Name: Flourishing Descent
