I would suggest trying to shorten the third line slightly so if falls in line with second. Stanza four, line two, may i suggest that you change the way you've written the last few words i.e My mind sighs as it crashes into distant, foreign lands As you put foriegn before distant and by doimg so i feel you made the word distant a useless one. When someone suggests foriegn then you automatically think of distant however at least this way you can use both words without one being meaningless as adding distant before foriegn i feel emphasizes the word foriegn.
"has grown old and scared and left me" In this part maybe try "has grown old, scared and left me" It just cuts out the extra "and" and reads better.
The only other things i offer on your writing is try and even out all your paired lines to roughly the same amount of syllables, it will improve the way your piece is read and create a natural flowing rhythm.
Right now the critism is out the way, and sorry by the way for posting so much.... This piece isn't bad at all, i actually liked the way you described your feelings.
Dragging my carcass into this dismal Sanity I see that all life feeds off of vanity
I particually liked these two lines you've managed to say so much with such minimal words. And it's true vainity is a big part of modern day life as the world we live in becomes more superficial by the day. I would say you have the foundations of a great piece but could really do with a few edits before it's truely complete. Take Care Danny
Sinfull vices, they seem to have destroyed you for sure! They make you hollow, along with all these other very well concieved analigies which have overtaken with. That overflowing feeling is soon replaced by not wanting to go on! Beautifully worded, and a quite well written piece, that speaks loudly its message. It appears our Runnaway Poet has returned with a masterpiece of insight into lifes dismal addictions. Enjoyed this much, so I did! Later