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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Torndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: takenspiritwind
    ASL Info:    21/F/NH
    Elite Ratio:    4.35 - 117/95/38
    Words: 246
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 622
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1608



    Description:
       I wrote this in my Intro to Writing Class and this is the final copy of this poem and is said to be the best poem I have written...I disagree but this is a very good one. I got an A+ for this write and one other so it must be good. Hope you like it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTorndots
    -------------------------------------------


    Each new piece is torn away,
    life is passing with each day.
    Each new hour it seems to fade,
    This reality I've made.

    You've become so numb to the truth,
    this lie you live is not your youth.
    To you, so old to think you die,
    this life you knew was one great lie.

    The terror crawls out of your mouth,
    to think of all that long lost wealth.
    Realization comes at last,
    nothing now can save your past.

    To your knees you've fallen now,
    time's of essence knowing how.
    Bow your head in your defeat,
    broken now you seek to repeat.

    Your soul so broken from this life,
    you wish for help to end this strife.
    Slowly memories appear,
    standing close and watching dear.

    Something comes o'er you so old,
    you've become so numb, so bold.
    Raise your head and anger's there,
    your temper rising like a flare.

    You stand not knowing you'll live on,
    this thing called death you look upon.
    You find what you have looked so long for,
    he speaks of Death and nothing more.

    You cast him down with words of hate,
    this now you know has sealed your fate.
    But taken back now, he is not,
    he bows to you and time you've bought.

    Now tears of joy stream down youre face,
    knowing you've the strongest case.
    "Death shall not take me this day,
    for I have fought, and won, now pray."




    Submitted on 2006-01-10 08:54:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Ok, since I don't like to skip around I will just make my comments this way.
    My only thing is that there are a few little things that to me don't quite make sence.

    To your knees you've fallen now,
    time's of essence knowing how.

    (In this line you have Time showing posession shown with the appostrophe this kind of thew me off)

    Bow your head in your defeat,
    broken now you seek to repeat.

    (Broken how you seek to repeat also threw me off, because there obviously has been an enemy defeated I got that, but what exactly was the meaning/ point of the repeat?)

    Your soul so broken from this life,
    you wish for help to end this strife.
    Slowly memories appear,
    standing close and watching dear.

    (Line three of this stanza seemed much shorter and thus thre off the meter,
    Line four or this stanza you said Watching dear
    this to me didn't really make a whole lot of sence to me, though I understood the point, just with that line worded the way it is, it looks painfully obvious like it was there as an attempt to keep the same rhyme scheme. to me it didn't quite fit)

    Something comes o'er you so old,
    you've become so numb, so bold.
    Raise your head and anger's there,
    your temper rising like a flare.

    (My only issue with this stanza was in line two you say So numb, So bold. In my opinion the comma leading to so bold created a pause in that line that threw off the meter of the work, which can often take away from the full impact of the meaning.)

    Other than what I've mentioned above, this is a good poem, my only things are there were a couple little moments where meter broke and I didn't feel anything at all from this, but hey, nobody and not everything is perfect, and it may just be me, but keep it up!
    | Posted on 2006-06-26 00:00:00 | by Dark Muse | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm I think I agree with hyproglo. Yea just what you wanted to hear the same thing that the other person said. lol. I think that your lines rhymed just fine but the only complaint that I really have about this was that it was slow and seemed to drag on. But other than that this is a really great job on this. I always find that I struggle with rhyming poems so therefore I never post any of those. Anyways nice write. I just suggest taking out some stanzas and stuff and you're good. .

    Brenna
    | Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by Day DreaMeR | [ Reply to This ]
      I give it a B.

    It was very slow and sombersome. Not a bad thing because this to me is how these types of feelings are best expressed. You did well with that. There were a few hiccups in it that might be worth revising.

    Bow your head in your defeat,
    broken now you seek to repeat

    That second line doesnt smooth flowly...umm..I mean, smooth flowly...umm, I mean flow smoothly...whew...!

    Broken...now you will repeat

    And

    You cast him down with words of hate,
    this now you know has sealed your fate

    Maybe

    This, you know, has sealed your fate

    or

    Cast him down with words of hate
    Words that now have sealed your fate

    Anyway, just some of my thoughts. Lotsa good stuff here though. Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]


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