Description: the wings are symbolic for a way out, almost giving up and wanting to quit. but not being able to until time allows...
Wings -------------------------------------------
How is a girl supposed to fly
if she has no wings and no means
to getting to a place where
she can buy some?
And no means to finding a friend
so she can borrow some?
No means to calling someone
to loan some?
No means to threaten stranger’s lives
to steal some
of that which she needs…
A pair of wings,
so she might fly
out of this world
that
buys love,
borrows identities,
loans kindness,
and steals all peace.
No means to find wings
that she might fly away and rest
this is very nice piece gurl! Rock on, don't we all need a pair of wings? When I read this I totally felt where you was comin from, I mean, being trapped and deprived isn't a pretty site lol. My fav part was when you said "A pair of wings, so she might fly out of this world that buys love,
borrows identities,
loans kindness,
and steals all peace" It's very beautiful, I think you nailed it lol! You know, when I began reading this poem I didn't understand when you said, to buy some, loan some steal some, I just didn't get it, I thought to myself, what is "some"? But at the end I got it. I think this a cool poem coz, it kept me interested all the way to the end.
I really don't think there's anything wrong with it, I mean It's clear, and interesting, rock on gurlfriend! this is BEAUTIFUL!
This is a unique good flow. The style you got going fits what you are saying. Don't change anything. My, My but don't we need those wings. More times we are willing to admit.lol!
You did a good job. Good subject, unique flow and overall...just darn good! take care, wanda
It was funny to have you explain the symbolism of the wings,a si thought it was pretty clear what you were implying, but that's just me.
A very good piece, all in all. I like the form you used, the shifting of the lines to give a continued, almost run-on feel. It fits with the stuck and going nowhere and know it feeling.
I was very well disposed towards this piece. I consider it's was presented in a very attractive format and that the message was conveyed quite effectively.
As for critiques, I'd say that I didn’t really see the point of the question marks at the end of the first 3 stanzas. I think they would've worked just as well had they not been included. Just my opinion.
As to the ending, I have to tell you I would've written the last line slightly longer than the previous so as to place the emphasis there. All this could give the reader a sense of completion which I did get but I would've liked to feel it more strongly. But that's entirely your call.
Do it again. I know you can. Magic, just magic. The last line is my favorite. I love your description of the world in this. And the use of wings to signify wanting, and giving up. Really a wonderful piece. Barrowing, buying, you have painted a vision of our society and how cheap, and ruthless it can be, when we the humans of this earth need a little help. Great job. I completly understand where you were going with this. Now the challenge: Can you do it again? Write about the same concept, but change the visuals?
I LOVE the form of this work - i think it is very creative and brings more to it in appearence. I also like the way you used differentnt ideas on how to get the wing yet there was no way to do it - and she wants to get away from the world that we live in that is so horrid - I compleatly agree with this peice good job!
Submission Name: Wings
