Description: I wrote this wen, I was sort of angry, at that timed I felt sorta deprived and I was pissed coz I wasn't getting what I wanted, what vibes does this send out to you? Please comment freely!
Driven Out -------------------------------------------
An Over bearing feeling,
a powerful riddle.
a beautiful misery,
driven by
a heartless soul,
powered by
a mindless heart.
An unheard voice,
a exciting confusion.
a satisfying depression,
inspired by
a cold heart,
fulfilled by
a careless being
i agree with jennifer, the wording is good and descriptive but i think your impact fell short through structure, the words unify too well and take from the energy of the poem, you want heated shorter lines and contrasting words
hope i haven't offended you, you write well... i think for you it's just a matter of selecting the right structure to support the feel of the poem. *thoughts*~jeni
I read it twice, I wouldnt say it was an angry vibe.. but I liked it. It had a lot of nice discriptions of emotion.
You seem to want to make a statement, or an impact so maybe you should try & make it stand out a little more. I would go with shorter lines to make it quicker, as if in the heat of anger. I like the wording though, when reading it was slow & ellegent. I feel that it is the wrong way you wanted it, my suggestion would be less punctuation, shorter lines & more powerful, colorful wording to stand out.
just suggestions though, you did a nice job either way. take care ~jennifer
Submission Name: Driven Out
