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Summer Rain


Author: Day DreaMeR
ASL Info:    19/F/somewhere
Elite Ratio:    6.23 - 853 /408 /53
Words: 101
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1803
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 661



Description:


yea so I fixed it up by taking out some commas well actually a lot but what do you think?


Summer Rain



Tears of joy,
Or laughter,
Are what I rather cry,
Than tears of sadness
Or sorrow
I want tears like summer rain,
Like warm droplets
That soothe
When they hit hot skin
I want to feel excited
Like I would be
If I were to hear the sound of thunder,
And see the flash of lightning
Off in the distance,
Showing that my storm
is coming closer
I want to dance
Like the rain isn't going to stop,
Until I'm completely wet,
And need a change of clothes,
How I would want the feelings
As if there were a summer rain




Submitted on 2006-01-10 19:33:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I really love how you used the rain and lightning in this poem as metaphors. I love storms and this poem really clicked with me. Great write.

I'm sorry that I can't give better feedback but my mind is sort of "blacked out" right now. I'll try better next time. (:
| Posted on 2006-04-04 00:00:00 | by bleeding-soul | [ Reply to This ]
  Ah, the feeling of summer rain... It may sound crazy but I have enjoyed just standing in the warm rain on a lazy August afternoon. It was one of the most refreshing feelings that I've ever had. Your poem captured the simplicity and the happiness that I found in that moment, and those memories are worth a lot to me. Thank you.
Your word choice is excellent; it is both simple and pithy, and that makes good poetry. The line 'and I need a change of clothes' seems to come at just the right moment. I wish I could give some criticism and help you produce more good poetry, but it seems like I don't need to. I probably couldn't, anyway.
May fortune follow you!
-The Prince of Tales
| Posted on 2006-03-29 00:00:00 | by Prince of Tales | [ Reply to This ]
  Really like how this read but I suggest that you go even a bit furthur and do some more editing, I suggest, if you will allow me, something like this

Tears of joy or laughter
are what I rather cry,
than tears of sadness or sorrow.
I want tears like summer rain,
and like warm droplets
that soothe [away the pain].
When they hit hot skin
I want to feel excited
like I would be
if I were to hear the sound of thunder,
and see the flash of lightning
off in the distance;
showing that my storm
is coming closer.
I want to dance
like the rain isn't going to stop,
until I'm completely wet
and need a change of clothes.
How I would want the feelings
as if there were...a summer rain.

I personally don't like caps at the beginning of every line, thats probably why I removed they.
These are only suggestions though and you don't have to follow them if you don't want to.
At any course I really enjoyed the idea of this and like the tone its in.

Keep up the good work
and take care

Thanks so much for sharing

Later
Jason
| Posted on 2006-05-20 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
  I am writing about your journal. I know how it is to chase something that you will never be abel to catch.
The real question is. Is it actually worth catching? That is a dilema that I am going through right now, and HONESTLY I dont feel nothing is worth catching if it dont want to be caught, let it be free.
| Posted on 2006-02-15 00:00:00 | by dustinamoody | [ Reply to This ]
  Bravo..I liked this...it was easliy comprehendable and definetly something that you felt...instead of just something you wrote. The second line and the forth were kind of cheesy but they work with this.It wasn't too long nor too short...Good wording and flow...I liked this work very much.lol umm I don't know there was something else but I guess I lost it ohh well...Keep it up.
| Posted on 2006-01-29 00:00:00 | by Restless_Heart | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this poem. I think you did a nice job with this metaphor. I love the summer rain and thunderstorms so I can really relate to what you are writing about. And the way you wrote this really gives the reader the feel of summer rain with some nice imagery. And the thought of dancing in the warm summer rain just makes me dread this winter all the more. It makes me think of how the rain feels as it soaks your hair and runs down your face. How it embraces you, how it smells. Ahhhh, you have given me some nice thoughts this january day. Very nice poem. Me likes! Take care.

Lorna
| Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
  I like how each line never fully completes itself, leaving the reader to make his own sort of conclusion while the next line is already starting. That instigates a re-read (and another, and another). The imagery was powerful, and for the most part, quite concrete.

Overall, though, I enjoyed the third-to-last line: "And need a change of clothes," That line alone brought down the whole poem into a more readable form, again providing reason for another re-read.

A piece like this benefits from a lack of puctuation, and I think you achieved a good balance. Nicely done, in practically every aspect.

By the way, thanks for your comment on Fuzzy.
| Posted on 2006-01-17 00:00:00 | by Tissue | [ Reply to This ]
  brennie...i really love this...though i think your descriptions could use a little more color...but the poem itself was exellent...i'll have to come back to this...when i have more time...but this has to be one of my favorite things you.ve written...ange
| Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by purplesun24 | [ Reply to This ]
  Brenna
You know thru reading my writes
I absolutely love the rain and when a storm follows it
I am in heaven
I Loved this
You really captured the beauty of rain and that it is not a depressing site
God Bless
Your Friend
Ron
| Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  I found this write a lot more approachable than your last few writes. I don't think this required as much introduction as your others, but I think thay joey may well have beaten me in terms of the most useful comment, lol.

Anyway, I would have to agree with him that not all commas that you included are necessary. I would take most of them out and replace them with either nothing or a full stop. Feel free to take or use my suggestions. The only place I would have included punctuation are after the following words:
-or laughter,
-of sorrow.
-like summer rain,
-hot skin.
-coming closer.
-going to stop,
-change of clothes.
-summer rain.

At the moment, it looks like your piece is in pieces (excuse the horendous pun) but I would only use commas a lot if I was rhyming becaseu a rhyme provides a definate end to a line. Free writes should be free flowing in my opinion and follows the same rules as prose, commas bring it to a complete stop so don't over use them in future, and your writes will be even more approachable.

During my feverish critique of your use of commas, I have failed to elaborate on your language, but alas, it is not necessary in this case, some great imagery included which really puts the reader outside on a rainy, I know it did to me. Great write!
| Posted on 2006-01-11 00:00:00 | by JimweiZERO | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this a lot. Nicely done with the metaphor of the summer rain, and you express it well. Couple of things to improve it. Don’t put commas at the lines that continue b/c it interrupts the thought. Nice write here. As always feel free to take or leave my suggestions:

tears of joy, - DELETE ‘IT’S’
Or laughter,
Are what I rather cry,
Than tears of sadness – DELETE COMMA
Or sorrow – DELETE COMMA
I want tears like summer rain,
Like warm droplets – DELETE COMMA
That soothE – CHANGE TO ‘THAT SOOTHE’, DELETE COMMA
When they hit hot skin, - DELETE ‘MY’, COMMA
I want to feel excited - DELETE COMMA
Like I would be – DELETE COMMA
If I were to hear the sound of thunder,
And see the flash of lightning – DELETE COMMA
Off in the distance,
Showing that my storm – DELETE COMMA
is coming closer – DELETE COMMA
I want to dance – DELETE COMMA
Like the rain isn't going to stop,
Until I'm completely wet,
And need a change of clothes,
How I would want the feelings – DELETE COMMA
As if there were a summer rain
| Posted on 2006-01-11 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  So beautiful ....Its amazing how mixing rain with emotions seems so natural ...I love the rain too ...Infact ...its stinking hot summer here right now ..and its raining outside ....so perfect poem ...for the perfect day ....thanks for sharing ..nice job
| Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by Krysti | [ Reply to This ]
  kinda crazy...but i also love the rain...when its warm outside. i think you did a great job of portraying your feels of the matter in this poem. you described them really well. but in the third line...it kinda throws me off. maybe you should put ...
That I'd rather cry,
or not...just thought id make a suggestion.
*sweet-fire
| Posted on 2006-01-10 00:00:00 | by sweet-fire | [ Reply to This ]


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