A Broken Valentine by Demon_

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Submission Name: A Broken Valentine dots

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Author:	Demon__666
ASL Info:	18/f/Oklahoma
Elite Ratio:	2.45 - 272/315/90
Words:	89

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	374
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	573

Description:
thoughts.

A Broken Valentine dots

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She sat there all dressed in black.
A single Red Rose lay in her lap.
Tears streaked down her face.
It started to rain.
And the red washed away.
The blood of her broken valentine;
The beauty that once was.

Is now no more.

She left his heart torn.
Laying on the ground.
With her love at her side.
She looks at him and cries,
And watches as the blood seeps through.
The rain has stopped,
And the blood returns.
Her wrists slit.
Her heart with his.

Submitted on 2006-01-11 13:42:41 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This piece is quite well done. To me, this piece sounds as though you want to be with your lover throughout all eternity. I do agree with Mistress and Lil, it does have a Romeo and Juliet feel to it. Nevertheless, I would like to congratulate you on a job well done - using dark poetry to convey an emotion like this seems to be difficult for some (myself included), and you pulled it off quite smoothly.

Before I go into my usual spiel on grammar, I have a question about the third line. "Her face tear streaked." 0_o. Read that a few times and try to re-write it to make more sense. Maybe "Tears streaked [down?] her face."?

Secondly, I think that breaking this consecutive stanza into three might improve the flow ever so slightly. Try adding a return after "Is now no more." and "She left his heart torn." The latter of these can easily be its own section. The reason I say that is because this is the line the stuck out the most to me, and I believe that it should be treated as such.

Thirdly, the few minor grammatical problems.

1.) Line 2: I think replacing "One" with "A" is an order. Right now "One single" sounds wordy, because you are basically saying the same thing twice.

2.) Try changing up the punctuation up from time to time. To figure out what to change, I want you to read this piece out loud to yourself or to someone else (usually people can point out these things better when they are being read to. If you read combinations of lines as a single sentence, there should not be a period at the end of each line, but a comma. I also think that a semicolon at the end of line 6 might not be a bad idea, so that you can separate the thoughts, but not cut them off from each other, as they are conveying the same point.

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Overall, I really enjoyed reading this piece. I am going to add this to my favorites, if you don't mind.

Also, if you do change this, please let me know. I'll gladly read it again.

Have a good day,
Cirruculum (TK)
| Posted on 2007-10-12 00:00:00 | by Cirruculum | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm normally into this kind of stuff but this is really good.
| Posted on 2007-04-20 00:00:00 | by Katlord | [ Reply to This ]
  i absolutley LOVE this poem. it's dark, it's morbid, it's sad... it creates all those emotions and it gives a pefect visual image. great work.
| Posted on 2007-03-11 00:00:00 | by Frivilous _ | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this poem, but think the flow could be improved a little. However, still very moving. It makes me greatful fo rmy lovely boyfriend and the love we share. So thank you!
| Posted on 2006-01-18 00:00:00 | by Amber lee | [ Reply to This ]
  I likes this one babe
see your a great writer/poet
so i win hehehehehehehhehehehehehhahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahhhhahhahaehehehehehahehaehahehaheahehhehhehehehahhahahaha oh and i love you
| Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by Seraphim | [ Reply to This ]
  i think that this poem is amazing. it's deff. my taste. the emotions are really good. and the flow is good. i wish there was more to this.
| Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by shotxgunxsinner | [ Reply to This ]
  There's nothing I love more than a nice tragic love story. I like this a lot. It's very well written too (thats always a bonus). My favorite part is:

"Laying on the ground.
With her love at her side.
She looks at him and cries.
And watches as the blood seeps through."

That is so dark and gloomy and gorgeous. I love it. Beautifully done. Great job.

-nikkki
| Posted on 2006-01-11 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with Lil gal, it reminds me of Romeo and Juliet. Sort of like a gothic romance thing, but it was very sad... and bloody. *cringe*. Very in- depth emotions...
| Posted on 2006-01-11 00:00:00 | by mistress acaia | [ Reply to This ]
  Romeo and juliet esk. Not too shabby,this reminds me that most love is very tragic and that you should value the one you have, cause, in this case, they could die.
| Posted on 2006-01-11 00:00:00 | by Lil gal | [ Reply to This ]

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