Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sorge des Melancholischen Herzdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: YoungWerther
    ASL Info:    20/M/ Los Locos
    Elite Ratio:    4.14 - 69/92/65
    Words: 166
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 185
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1110



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSorge des Melancholischen Herzdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sorge des Melancholischen Herzens

    Affinity of dead leaves fall lightly,
    And stabbed, did the night to me
    A dagger of pain and infamy,
    Where laughter sure fills thee

    Who can predict my old sorrows?
    To come and conquer all old plight,
    Anew begin my hidden woes,
    Far beyond the Jackal’s sight

    Heightened till their sound is vile,
    Summoning souls across a dark sky
    Where they race deformed and bile,
    For they live oft for a wholesome lie

    Dark are the corners of bodily disposition
    Run away, seek to live yon life
    Head bowed, I keep this dreaded position;
    Where courage is beckoning my strife

    Waft dandelion of petulant hue,
    Eddie on to the paths of enlightenment,
    Where the horizon is stained of blue
    And where Gabriel slain bereavement

    Go on poppy of temper divine,
    Swim towards the patches of hibiscus
    Let me, drunken and sick, drink this wine
    And let me lie at an opulent foot of Venus.




    Submitted on 2006-01-11 21:43:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      There are a lot of little things in this poem that make it seem not quite right. The second line needs some sort of punctuation at the end because without it the reader continues one thought into the next line but the thought that comes across, then, doesn't make any sense. If it were cut I think I, as a reader, would find it more coherent.
    Stanza 3, line 3. Bile is a noun not an adjective. You could say 'deformed with bile' and that would make sense, and so would 'deformed and bilious.' I know that second one doesn't fit your rhyme scheme, though..
    Stanza 5, line 4. Gabriel slain... I think you want that to be a hyphenated word... Gabriel-slain... meaning slain by Gabriel... bereavement is Gabriel-slain. Or are you meaning to say "Where Gabriel slays bereavement. Either way, this line also needs some sort of punctuation or 'go' at the begining of the next stanza needs to become 'goes'. Your language is lyric but the sense isn't there. It just leaves the reader lost and confused. Or is that the point?
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.