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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Thinkingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Atrip187
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Some Alley
    Elite Ratio:    4.53 - 81/76/21
    Words: 70
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 199
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 585



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThinkingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Contortions of Reality,
    avoidance of Custody,
    and Evidence of incompetence
    Tranported through means
    intentended for Benifence
    and Derived from Righteuosness
    Delivered unto Me unsummoned
    Why?
    Outspread arms Greeted
    The piercing arrows of Gluttony
    Launched from the longbow of Compassion
    That I provided You
    Why?
    Silence befalls my mind
    as my vocabulary diminishes
    my concentration is anihalated
    and there is no word to explain how i feel
    except simply...
    hurt




    Submitted on 2006-01-12 00:14:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was an interesting way to convey all the pain you seem to be enduring. I see bemusement and emotional turmoil at the core of it possibly fuelled by a futile relationship.

    I do consider that the message gets blurred at the beginning but you do make it clear at the end.

    My favourite line was definitely
    “The piercing arrows of Gluttony” that was great, it had a major impact on me.

    As for critiques … there are several typos scattered through this piece especially with regards to the first 8 lines, so have a look at them.


    Wishing you well,

    Ethan.
    | Posted on 2006-02-19 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this poem. I didn't like the big words at first but after thinking about it they go well. It makes you think about what they mean, hence the name of the poem. I think the third to last line was kind of funny yet true saying, "and there is no word to explain how i feel". I can never explain what I feel good enough probably because I dont really know what I feel. good poem. bye.
    | Posted on 2006-01-19 00:00:00 | by musclebound350 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an interesting poem. At first I thought all the big words were a bit distracting but then as I read on I realized the significance to all these words and thought it is a good usage of vocabulary here. I do have one spelling correction that I noticed here "righteousness" but otherwise a good poem about a very basic word and feeling of pain. Hurt can be described in so many ways yet the simplest way "hurt" is the best way. It says it all in four words. I like this poem. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]



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