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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Vervedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: I_Bleed_Ink
    Elite Ratio:    5.54 - 180/174/51
    Words: 165
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 255
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1020



    Description:
       tweaked this a bit, renamed it, and hopefully improved it a little...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsVervedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Do the tears of the soul
    Glisten for the world, to show
    Just how alive I am inside—
    Full of dreams that have died?
    And can you hear me now
    Or is my heart too loud?
    It implodes at the thought
    Of my life being caught
    In the screaming wind,
    As it twists and it bends.
    And greed is what you make it,
    Leave it or take it,
    Pray for the sake of it,
    But don’t you dare mistake it
    For love on the spot.
    Because jealousy is not
    In the same league,
    Whatever you make believe.
    A purity divine
    Can be yours and be mine
    If you only open up
    To drink from my cup
    Of everlasting bliss—
    You will beg for a memory of this
    Night, when we tripped
    Into a love chocolate dipped,
    And coated in sprinkles.
    My life, candied, single
    For all of time to know,
    Lonely bed sheets to show
    How pathetic it can be
    But truly a dichotomy.




    Submitted on 2006-01-12 00:52:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      What Danny likes: Danny likes, no, LOVES 'it impodes at the thought of my life being caught', 'a purity divine', and (especially) 'a love chocolate dipped'. The pace is good, though sometimes I wonder if the briefness of each line is hurting it....hmm.

    Some of things that irked me in this piece were some of the more oversued clichés -- the opening 'tears of the soul', 'dreams that have died'....because after one of these lines you would cut in with something cutting and clever, back and forth, back and forth....trim the fat on this one. A little polishing will take this fromg ood to great.

    Oh, and nice finish ('lonely bedsheets')...
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by Corvettlaufer | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds like a love that wasn't (at least not what you intended or expected it to be) and the dichotomy of fulfillment/unfulfillment didn't quite satisfy as it should. Using couplets and half rhymes definitely propelled this piece at a high velocity and accentuated the frustration you feel with a wayward lover (if I'm reading your meaning correctly). I'm pleased your word choice is sophistcated enough to elevate this write above a random rant, your voice deserves to be heard. Nicely done. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      What I like about this piece is the use of couplets with the near rhymes. It fits your final idea of dichotomy well.
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]


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