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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Omniscent Ashen Boulder Godsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: heartlessname
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 48/58/14
    Words: 213
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 1151
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 1285



    Description:
       I wrote this fairly quickly, I have mixed opinions on it. May be a bit weird to some.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOmniscent Ashen Boulder Godsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Mountains walk with God,
    making footsteps in the ages
    without ever taking movement.
    Rocks stand tall and watch men fall
    from the trivial foothills and the vital peaks.
    Mountains and men live side by side
    as natural elevations on the surface of the earth.
    We are insignificant to the Mountain
    but from its bluffs and ridges
    we for a moment share the celestial majesty
    the alp deity holds from its icy heights.

    Kings break treaties with men
    and beg for them from the Red Mountains.
    The wrath of god
    executed through liquid flame rivers
    with vehement tributaries that char and wither
    all life along the land its burning cloak flows onto.
    Mountains remain still
    and kill by your actions
    or melt the earth
    and slaughter thousands for taking none.
    They endure the wind,
    the ice, the time
    and the progress.
    Man has modeled himself after the Mountains.
    Forever more will man strive to become a mortal Everest
    beginning from the human valley;
    to stand the highest from the corporeal depths
    and to walk with God in his own era;
    making footsteps of his own.




    Submitted on 2006-01-12 03:44:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "We are insignificant to the Mountain but from its bluffs and ridges we for a moment share the celestial majesty the alp deity holds from its icy heights."

    Personally, I think you should have stopped after this sentence. I liked it up to this point, but then the extended metaphor took me a little off guard and it became too strange. The second part made the entire poem go down the "mountains" it used to get to it's peak in the first part. Keep it at the first part, or even better seperate it into two different peices.

    Wishing for more
    ~Brian
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by Imadjinn | [ Reply to This ]
      "Mountains walk with god" this caught my attention like CRAZY!! no lie!

    "They endure the wind, the ice, the time and the progress" i love this line!! gorgeous!!

    you are an awesome writer.

    -Haze
    | Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by WTF Zombies | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow... just... wow. This is amazing. In my comments on my story, I mentioned that I can't describe the power and feeling of a storm.
    Well, you wrote just the kind of thing I'm striving for. It has power and beauty and inspiration. It's just wonderful. The way you describe the mountains is the same kind of feeling I get with storms. I adore this.
    | Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by Akumu | [ Reply to This ]
      NOT WEIRD!!!! F-UCKING AWESOME!!!!
    OH MY GOD I THINK I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!! AHHHG!!! I AM SO GANNA STALK YOU SO EVERYTIME YOU POST ANOTHER, I'LL KNOW!!! I WANNA READ EVERYTHING OF YOURS!! I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOUR WORK OMG.

    I'm okay. Just a little overheated with joy from this peice. Theres really nothing I can do to comment on like critique, there is nothing I see wrong. I love the work of imagery in this poem, I love the idea, and I love the title, once again.

    ---
    Carry
    ---
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by herownadversary | [ Reply to This ]
      This is BRILLIANT!! I love this poem, it is so descriptive, i almost s.hit my pants. And you're right i notice some similarities in our writing style. There are so many genius lines in here that i dont know if i can comment on all of them. The first line really grabbed me and in and made me want to read more. I love how this poem has that epic feeling, it makes you feel so small and insignificant and that feeling fits so perfectly into your poem. I love the title too, because it is a perfect way to describe a mountain, the title is what got me interested in this piece. My favorite part though is

    " The wrath of god executed through liquid flame rivers with vehement tributaries"

    I love this line mostly because of the words you used to describe the lava flows as liquid flame rivers, i never thought of it that way. This poem is a stroke of genius, not only is it overflowing with vivid imagery, but it also makes you think a lot about it and the truth in your poem. I'm sory if i can't point out something that i dont like, usually i do, but i think that this is just about perfect. Its definatly a favorite.
    peace
    | Posted on 2006-05-04 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      After reading this piece and thinking about it, I'd say this poem reminds of really good leftovers.

    This work is devoted to man's quest to be something biger than he is e.g., the mountain, god etc., It is a piece devoted to man's desire to be famous (and in a sense immortal), and to his ambition and pride.

    I think a poem is made of two pieces: the idea and the language that accompanies the piece.

    In this case, your language is stellar, except for 2 things: you mispelled "modelled" and you may wish to capitlaize "god." Not because of any religious affiliations you may or may not have but because you capitalize other items in the poem. These items are all things man wishes to conquer and since god is one of them, in the poem, perhaps god should be capitalized as well to give consistency. Also, consider breaking this down into more stanzas - it can become exhausting to some readers - I had to take a break myself.

    The idea, however, is literally the oldest one in the book. If you read Genesis, you see Adam and Eve wishing to become like God himself and later in the Bible we see Satan being castout of heaven for taking a shot at God himself.

    So in the end, you have an very above average piece of work tht needs little revision - the powerful language of this very "proud" piece is offset by an old idea.

    Your style is distinctive and strong. You take poetry seriously, that much is evident. You don't just post whatever whimsical lines you compose at the coffee shop - most respectable.

    Art Lives!
    T.J.
    | Posted on 2006-09-03 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]
      This was definitly etherally(is that a word) beautiful. It had this awe like quality about it.

    I think the second stanza brings the human aspect into it more and relates it better and makes it a real piece not just this awe piece.

    I liked how it went from mountains to volcanos (correct me if i'm wrong).

    I really loved the line about kings breaking treaties to sign treaties with 'red mountains'.

    I don't know, I didn't really get the metaphor of this, but took it at face value and loved it.


    Nice job,
    Lia
    | Posted on 2006-06-05 00:00:00 | by Glassy Eyed | [ Reply to This ]
      I like your imagination. I could also kind of imagine it in my head. It was interesting and thats why i liked it. Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2006-01-28 00:00:00 | by inkpen | [ Reply to This ]
      Your poem was weird and thats why i loved it. Your words were able to create a picture in my minds eye as to what you were discribing. i like your personification of the mountains. Your speeling of God (god) however left doubt in my mind as to whether or not you were refering to God as in the creator of the universive or the gods of mythology.Defintely printing out this poem for my collection though it is very thought provaking.
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by Rosh_5 | [ Reply to This ]
      Target of empathy denies likely obstruction of fading time, and darkness is not found between the lines. Keep up the good work.

    D` Alin
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by DAlin | [ Reply to This ]
      You are an excellent writer with really great imagery. Your work is insightful as well as it speaks to the nature of our being. Thanks sharing this with us. Oh, and don't hate your life, it will get better.
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]


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    87229

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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