Mountains walk with God,
making footsteps in the ages
without ever taking movement.
Rocks stand tall and watch men fall
from the trivial foothills and the vital peaks.
Mountains and men live side by side
as natural elevations on the surface of the earth.
We are insignificant to the Mountain
but from its bluffs and ridges
we for a moment share the celestial majesty
the alp deity holds from its icy heights.
Kings break treaties with men
and beg for them from the Red Mountains.
The wrath of god
executed through liquid flame rivers
with vehement tributaries that char and wither
all life along the land its burning cloak flows onto.
Mountains remain still
and kill by your actions
or melt the earth
and slaughter thousands for taking none.
They endure the wind,
the ice, the time
and the progress.
Man has modeled himself after the Mountains.
Forever more will man strive to become a mortal Everest
beginning from the human valley;
to stand the highest from the corporeal depths
and to walk with God in his own era;
making footsteps of his own.
"We are insignificant to the Mountain but from its bluffs and ridges we for a moment share the celestial majesty the alp deity holds from its icy heights."
Personally, I think you should have stopped after this sentence. I liked it up to this point, but then the extended metaphor took me a little off guard and it became too strange. The second part made the entire poem go down the "mountains" it used to get to it's peak in the first part. Keep it at the first part, or even better seperate it into two different peices.
Wow... just... wow. This is amazing. In my comments on my story, I mentioned that I can't describe the power and feeling of a storm. Well, you wrote just the kind of thing I'm striving for. It has power and beauty and inspiration. It's just wonderful. The way you describe the mountains is the same kind of feeling I get with storms. I adore this.
NOT WEIRD!!!! F-UCKING AWESOME!!!! OH MY GOD I THINK I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!! AHHHG!!! I AM SO GANNA STALK YOU SO EVERYTIME YOU POST ANOTHER, I'LL KNOW!!! I WANNA READ EVERYTHING OF YOURS!! I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOUR WORK OMG.
I'm okay. Just a little overheated with joy from this peice. Theres really nothing I can do to comment on like critique, there is nothing I see wrong. I love the work of imagery in this poem, I love the idea, and I love the title, once again.
This is BRILLIANT!! I love this poem, it is so descriptive, i almost s.hit my pants. And you're right i notice some similarities in our writing style. There are so many genius lines in here that i dont know if i can comment on all of them. The first line really grabbed me and in and made me want to read more. I love how this poem has that epic feeling, it makes you feel so small and insignificant and that feeling fits so perfectly into your poem. I love the title too, because it is a perfect way to describe a mountain, the title is what got me interested in this piece. My favorite part though is
" The wrath of god executed through liquid flame rivers with vehement tributaries"
I love this line mostly because of the words you used to describe the lava flows as liquid flame rivers, i never thought of it that way. This poem is a stroke of genius, not only is it overflowing with vivid imagery, but it also makes you think a lot about it and the truth in your poem. I'm sory if i can't point out something that i dont like, usually i do, but i think that this is just about perfect. Its definatly a favorite. peace
After reading this piece and thinking about it, I'd say this poem reminds of really good leftovers.
This work is devoted to man's quest to be something biger than he is e.g., the mountain, god etc., It is a piece devoted to man's desire to be famous (and in a sense immortal), and to his ambition and pride.
I think a poem is made of two pieces: the idea and the language that accompanies the piece.
In this case, your language is stellar, except for 2 things: you mispelled "modelled" and you may wish to capitlaize "god." Not because of any religious affiliations you may or may not have but because you capitalize other items in the poem. These items are all things man wishes to conquer and since god is one of them, in the poem, perhaps god should be capitalized as well to give consistency. Also, consider breaking this down into more stanzas - it can become exhausting to some readers - I had to take a break myself.
The idea, however, is literally the oldest one in the book. If you read Genesis, you see Adam and Eve wishing to become like God himself and later in the Bible we see Satan being castout of heaven for taking a shot at God himself.
So in the end, you have an very above average piece of work tht needs little revision - the powerful language of this very "proud" piece is offset by an old idea.
Your style is distinctive and strong. You take poetry seriously, that much is evident. You don't just post whatever whimsical lines you compose at the coffee shop - most respectable.
Your poem was weird and thats why i loved it. Your words were able to create a picture in my minds eye as to what you were discribing. i like your personification of the mountains. Your speeling of God (god) however left doubt in my mind as to whether or not you were refering to God as in the creator of the universive or the gods of mythology.Defintely printing out this poem for my collection though it is very thought provaking.
You are an excellent writer with really great imagery. Your work is insightful as well as it speaks to the nature of our being. Thanks sharing this with us. Oh, and don't hate your life, it will get better.