Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Man Who Says, "I am dad"dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Dawnyd
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 149/80/32
    Words: 421
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 813
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2334



    Description:
       I guess you do not need a description so please just tell me what you think. I was venting, maybe ranting is more like it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Man Who Says, "I am dad"dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The man who says that he is my dad
    I think that the person he is, well, is really bad
    He says that blood is thicker than water
    If that were true, then I wouldn't be my dad's (who raised me), daughter
    I think he is just a very selfish man
    One who was dealt a golden hand
    He talks as if he were so poor
    If anything he has so much more
    He adopted a daughter but not her brother
    I wonder why in the hell did he even bother?
    He left her behind when he went to jail
    She got on drugs, arrested, with no one to post her bail
    Now he says she is a crack whore out on the street
    How sad that all the cops know her from their beat
    Her kids were taken and given to their grandmother
    Again, history repeats and with them he doesn't bother
    I am sick with blood clots and unable to work
    No comfort from him, he just brags of his worth
    Now he married a woman who says she hates him
    Quickly he went from asshole to hero, think she is waiting for the fortune to cash in?
    The money that they waste and the food that they hoard
    It's sad as I explain that even food I cannot afford
    Then he will say, "I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Oh, by the way, got to go, it's Red Lobster time."
    An inheritance he dangles over everyone's head
    I guess he hasn't listened to a word that I've said
    I have never been one to have much money
    To me rich is, enjoying a beautiful day that is sunny
    I am so sick of listening to him brag
    About all of the things that he has
    It has become so very sickening
    You can actually see his head as it is thickening
    I know why I was adopted and thank the Lord for it
    Cause if I was raised by him then I too would be full of shit
    As I am on the verge of losing everything I own
    He brags how his wife remodels a brand new home
    The home she remodels is only three years old
    I shake my head at what I am told
    He wonders why not even his family likes him
    Could hit be the way he acts and lives?
    Maybe someday he will take the time to see
    The way the Lord would expect a father to be




    Submitted on 2006-01-12 12:00:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      well this was a jolt of fusing that just runs the well dry .../. i dont see why a vent has to rhyme ... it doesn't ! .../. i think it was a good way to get your energy out ../. i can't relate too it that much i mean my own father was a goodman .../. he had his vices but he did the best he could with me .../. other then that ../. i'll read more of the file ....

    bloodstone
    | Posted on 2009-08-04 00:00:00 | by Bloodstone | [ Reply to This ]
      um. I am NOT a boy. and you are right. After rereading it, I see that it is not empty or cheesy.
    but it still needs alot of editing.
    | Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by die_another_day | [ Reply to This ]
      If you are venting, then I suppose you don't need to change it one bit. Why change something that had an urge to be cleared out?

    Its kinda saddens me, but I can't relate that much as I've got the father I need. I like the rhyming scheme, and the words seemed as raw as your feelings inside. Its truly a nice piece just the way it is, really.
    | Posted on 2006-01-13 00:00:00 | by RyukiTZR | [ Reply to This ]
      wow yea i agree with mkat its not cheesy or empty it just need to be thought though do some editing read it over and over till you get it just right that you can say hey look its way better now lol no but really just adjust som stuff and rhyming try and find more words there is a lot of stuff that you can do with that poem its a good start but just try and read it till it sounds good
    ~Jenn
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by James Wiffy | [ Reply to This ]
      I disagree on the cheesy and empty part. i guess he wasn;t relly listening to the meaning in between. but he was right on the rhyming part. maybe if you read it out loud to yourself , that always helps me :)
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by MKAT | [ Reply to This ]
      um. wow. it needs some serious editing.
    and the rhyming doesnt really work for me.
    i can tell that you struggled with finding words to rhyme.
    maybe rewrite it as a rant piece instead of a rhyming poem.
    it seems kinda of cheesy and empty.
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by die_another_day | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    87267

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (2) written by endlessgame23
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Love written by saartha
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    Redemption written by poetotoe
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Cover written by saartha
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Still Perfectly Flawed written by armand
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry