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    dots Submission Name: Stay Alive (James)dots

    Author: James Wiffy
    Elite Ratio:    2.92 - 21/20/9
    Words: 151
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 920
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 821

       ok here is the new and improve stay alive i deleated the old one lol its long gone well hope you like this one better!!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStay Alive (James)dots

    I want to stay alive
    i live to drive
    Just stay alive til we arrive
    arrive in the hospital
    where i seem to live
    this way i can give
    give the gift
    the gift of love
    show them the dove
    the gift from above
    so they know they have me
    have me to stay
    to get ride of me
    no way im here to stay
    to stay in your arms
    to stay in your sight
    to saty with you in all my
    might so will i ever go
    just go away will i ever
    leave and will i ever leave
    no i wont go and i wont leave
    ill stay ill stay alive for you
    my friend ill staly alive so you can talk
    we can walk and do all the fun stuff ill stay alive
    stay alive so i can hear you say
    i love you

    Submitted on 2006-01-12 12:15:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      That is so much better, the rhythm, and the rhymn. There is this one place: have me to stay no way I'm hear to stay, maybe you should think about spacing. Like making a new paragraph from that point. So we can tell when the feelings sre changing
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by MKAT | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with the posts below me, it did seem choppy however at times it is just best to let all of your emotions go without the worry if it coming ouit "choppy". You're emotions are clear and allows the reader to feel close to your stituation.
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by LongShot | [ Reply to This ]
      Yeah i agree with mkat and i can't think of any other word to describe it than what mkat said, 'choppy.'

    nice idea..but the projection..well iduno. it's confusing. especially this part:

    show them the dove
    so they know they have me

    i just don't get it.

    thanks for sharing, and i hope to see more from you.
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by Cannablisjunkie | [ Reply to This ]
      It has nice meaning but it seemed like you ran out of word to rhymn with. it also seems kind of choppy. but the poem is very sweet.
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by MKAT | [ Reply to This ]

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