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    dots Submission Name: war childdots

    Author: ertha
    Elite Ratio:    4.35 - 124/135/24
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 873
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 611


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotswar childdots

    the sky was on fire that night
    people went out into the street
    grown-ups talking in soft voices
    overawed at the diabolic sight

    they clustered in groups
    hardly daring to look
    but they couldn't stay indoors
    not that night
    all were bathed in flickering flame light
    breath drifted out of mouths aghast
    I cowered in my grandfather's arms
    we shivered and looked skyward

    the next day we went for a walk
    to see the river frozen.
    the old stone bridge was so cold
    the sky was blue and clear

    Submitted on 2006-01-12 17:52:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||

    I like the images and the story that this tells.
    I am a little thrown that the first verse is passive and past tense while the second is active and present.

    You might want to look at matching them up. I think I'd like it in the present tense.

    Still this is beautifully done. It doesn't try to tell us too much. However it captures the feeling.

    I love the grandfather's hand part. That makes it human.

    Nice work.

    | Posted on 2006-01-19 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      This was haunting. Perfect in length and structure, no advice here beyond "keep it". I very much liked the use of the child's perspective to describe this, it lends the images a fresh pair of eyes and is so convincing in its naration that you really feel yourself in this kid's shoes, you are forced to suspend many adault assumptiona, moralizations, and even the need to define what happend. It was what it was.

    The final stanza is especially gripping, there is a seeming innocence that remains intact, but a little closer to shedding that skin. Lovely and disturbing.

    | Posted on 2006-01-17 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]
      ‘grown-ups talking in soft voices’ just screams the kids thoughts at the time. When grown ups talk softly you want to know what is going on. Also it puts me right into the scene that night. I could see everything from that sentence, them milling around in awe and shock, gossiping about how terrible it is.

    I love the way the last stanza, starkly different to the rest, talks of cold and blue, totally different from the night before. Even in the blitz, the next day life goes on. Brilliant tribute to peoples resilience at that time.

    Also the illustration of the bridge still standing, still spanning a dangerous impassable river. While there may have been carnage the night before that bridge still stands as does many others. LOVE IT. The choice of bridge over any other structure is a great one.

    Oh and also… great flow. Lol. Of course.
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by PaulHudson | [ Reply to This ]
      The invasion has taken place and the evil Empire has conquered the Sith!
    No! Has Jon Luke left for the Klingon Empire and left #1 in charge with Spok lost in the reactor chamber? NO!
    Pray tell, what calamity have we witnessed here Ertha? This sure sounded like the Borg to me!
    Really, please this has me wondering? Silver and Billy has not helped.
    I'll be sleepless in Pittsburgh, until I get this figured out.
    A great THOUGHT provoking write for sure.
    Later my Dear
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked the voice of the child in this piece, it becomes another of the many interesting contrasts along with those of description and imagery, seen over time. The simplistic voice really works well in the last stanza, where the picture is one of calm, cool and colorless. That last scene, so barren om one hand, - is charged with emotion after the fireworks and terror of the first part.
    I quite enjoyed reading this
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok. I assume this is a before and after piece juxtaposing fire and ice, darkness and light, chaos and calm from the point of view of a child. Now that the obvious is out of the way, I admit the symbolism in the closing stanza is both comforting and unsettling (a bridge of hope spans a frozen river that suggests memories fixed in a child's subconscious, as a clear sky and a protective grandparent provide soothing relief from the previous evening). I enjoyed this vignette and look forward to more of the same. Nicely done. Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]

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