Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Across the Roomdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BrokenStream
    ASL Info:    019/f/NC
    Elite Ratio:    2.93 - 83/89/66
    Words: 209
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 1126
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1220



    Description:
       So many times have I crossed the room and get hurt, always end up looking back. but I wrote this when it was just a crush on a friend, I used to sit across the room from where he and his friends were. When I finally crossed it did not work out as I planned. but I feel that even now it still applies.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAcross the Roomdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Across the Room

    The World outside my window
    Has always been so dim
    It’s your light that I’m praying for
    I’ve reached so many dead ends
    I’m losing streets
    You’re always taking a part of me
    I’m tired of pushing away
    The real things I want to stay
    I will always love you you’ll never know
    I won’t always breathe quite the same

    I don’t think I knew life
    Until you have arrived
    And I want to live it
    Next to you
    Just let me have it
    If it’s not true

    All I can do is sit & wait
    For you to notice me
    Across the room
    I may not sit forever
    You may not know it
    But I know you’re worth it
    The one thing that defies time

    I’m trapped inside my dreams
    Everyone but me gets to leave
    When you decide to look across the room
    I may not be there
    But I’ll be loving you

    All I can do is sit & wait
    For you to notice me
    Across the room
    I may not sit forever
    You may not know it
    But I know you’re worth it
    The one thing that defies time




    Submitted on 2006-01-12 20:10:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think its great! Oh my goodness. Its very deepfelt. Ik now that these are the hard times. Sitting across the room from the one you love only to have them not know you love them and not know how they feel. Im sorry that things didnt work out with this. As I see it theres a reason for everything that happens... so maybe it didnt work out because you two are meant to be great friends and maybe having a relatinship with him wouldve changed things and lord knows we never want to hurt our friendships.

    Loving someone and knowing that they dont love you back is one of the worst feelings in the world. Its so painful but eventually even though you may still love him that pain will go away. Not for eternal time but for a while. You may always feel that little spark knowing that you still love him but youll be happy for him because just think at least you two are still friends..

    anyways as far as your poem it was great... there was a little bit of rhyming in there which was great but it wasnt pushed and didnt take away from the poem so thats great. I have to disagree with Paul I like how you worded those lines.

    I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep up the great writing!
    ~manderz~
    | Posted on 2006-01-13 00:00:00 | by manderz_1207 | [ Reply to This ]
      All I can really say, is I know I’ve been there.

    AND

    ‘Next to you
    Just let me have it
    If it’s not true’

    ‘you’ and ‘true’ is tied, if there is another way of wording it, in a fresh unused way.

    I do like (a lot)

    ‘When you decide to look across the room
    I may not be there’

    If this is you saying he doesn’t notice you, then I like it! I thought it was original.

    I think if there was more emotive words, not like ‘hurt’, ‘pain’, ‘alone’, ‘stife’ but ones like… I don’t know, how ever you feel, yearning? I would like to read more about how you feel. I like the first two stanza’s. I think this is a common subject, but the opening was interesting. The rest of the write I felt needed for ‘guts’ lol. More emotion to capture my feelings.

    I’d like to read a second write of this, I think it could be quite heart wrenching if you appealed to my emotions.

    Let me know if you do decide to edit it, of course if you think I’m talking cods wallop feel free to call me a dick head with no idea of writing and what this write was about. Lol.

    Regards
    Paul
    | Posted on 2006-01-12 00:00:00 | by PaulHudson | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    87330

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry