The long story short is, when I was 15, I tried to kill myself. It/I was stupid. I was 26 or 27 when I wrote this as a retrospective look at all of the things that had lead to me being a cynical bastard, and then excorcised them.
Shudder to think -------------------------------------------
Enlightenment can be found
in millions of places
Misread gum wrappers and
fast food menus
all contain Dharma
Is it even important
the source of inspiration
as long as the end product is pure?
I used to worry
nailbiting compounds stress
and my mothers constant nagging
onlygirlsbitetherenailsyournotagirlareyouagirlstopbeingsuchababy
make me old too fast
ulcers at 12
driven to make sure that everyone
around me would make the cut
be greeted by Saint Peter with a smile
and the gates would part
and all of my love would be rewarded
but not for me
afraid of going to hell
because I would masturbate
and then pray for
salvation
and
forgiveness
knowing that I was sinning
but unable to stop
unable to cope with the tides of bile
brought up by a damaged ring
Unable to understand
why God didn't love me
despite my love
for everyone else
fifteen now and still
Unworthy
not eating barely living
not understanding why my suffering
Doesn't ease the suffering
of those around me
yellowandredpills in a bottle
coupled by the betrayal of
bestfriendandgirlfriend
I call and count for him as the
weight of the bottle
becomes the weight
of my empty undeserving stomach
my life becomes
pale green walls and
overhead florescent
bitter snakeoil cures that do
nothing because I was
already numb to myself to begin with
living with a 300 pound time bomb
with a chemical imbalance
and I hear the nurse say
hesgoingtosnapandweretoosmalltocontrolhimputhimonmedstokeephimcalm
crazy but not stupid
pills are given and
passed out to others
who want to be numb who want
sedation
then it happens timer hits zero
and the bomb goes off
chairs and paitents fly in the
explosion
and men in white coats
come running from the far corners
of my self contained world
hypodermic needles with
pale liquids
thick straps on a table
barely large enough
to hold the remnants of the
bomb to light for inspection
I watch
and
I realize that my
Suffering
is mine alone
and in that instant
I awaken
As above, so below
and inside of me
The Goddess smiles
and embraces me
and in my confusion of
sterile walls and bitter name calling
shaped like circles but having
NOTHING to do with healing
or the cycle of life
I learn that
Enlightenment can be found
in millions of places
Misread gum wrappers and
fast food menus
all contain Dharma
Is it even important
the source of inspiration
as long as the end product is pure?
Submission Name: Shudder to think
