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    dots Submission Name: tainted.dots

    Author: mixedemotions00
    ASL Info:    24/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    6.26 - 574/377/69
    Words: 81
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1064
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 563


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    a tattered old rag
    dries a young shining face.
    sparkling mirrored fancies
    cover a liar and a cheater.
    and it’s all the same
    to everyone
    who doesn’t know any better.

    When the music stops
    and all that is real is left on dirty dinner plates,
    where will you be?
    For you to be perpetually
    would mean unhappiness
    to faeries, to angels,
    to gnomes.

    and we’ll tiptoe around the
    glass shards,
    the cracked mirrors
    we call dreams.

    Submitted on 2006-01-12 23:06:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      First impressions...
    I think 'perpetually' is the wrong word. My first reading told me 'perpetual' is what you want there. You might want to check some of your punctuation. I don't think you want a period after 'cheater'... maybe a :. The thought doesn't end there... it continues without forming the end of a sentence. Also, the comma in the third stanza makes it sound like you are starting a list as opposed to clarifying the image.
    | Posted on 2006-11-09 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      This one definitely took my fancy. As cheesy as it might sound this kind of reminded me of the ending of the third “Nightmare on Elm Street” particularly regarding the last stanza which was my favourite.

    As for critiques, I'd that I didn't really dig the line break concerning lines 6. Also, try to even out the second line of the second stanza. And you made a typo in the second line, by the way.

    Enjoyed this.

    Keep writing,


    | Posted on 2006-01-13 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]

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    January 10 07
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