Inexperienced Surgeon by rocknpoetrychik

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Submission Name: Inexperienced Surgeon dots

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Author:	rocknpoetrychik
ASL Info:	20/Female/Someplace
Elite Ratio:	4.06 - 331/281/44
Words:	42

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	236
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	400

Description:
Self explanatory

Inexperienced Surgeon dots

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Incision made,
Clumsy surgeon's hand,
Working inside,
Maltreatment!
Anchored!
Vessel marooned,
Suffering, battle wounds,
Stitched up tight,
Voice screams, "SIT UPRIGHT!!"
Eyes fly open,
Fixate, dilate!
Run cool fingers over newly made scar,
"Oh, it's ok, he only took my heart."

Submitted on 2006-01-13 03:26:26 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I think you have a good idea here. I don't know what kind of studies you've had, but I think you could include more of the hospital jargon and anatomy, just a suggestion.
I would like to see a revised version with improved flow, so if you do, let me know.
I enjoyed the read,
Nicely.
| Posted on 2006-01-19 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]
  I think I've utilized this good doctor's services myself! I quite like this. It reads very choppy but that works for me here, it conveys that post-surgical "Am I awake yet?" feeling I know only too well, that sort of dissembodied, fragmented sense of self you're left with that suddenly becomes realization and an awkward alertness, complete with the fretting of what's happened to you in your own absence.

The final line is a good solid kick in a stomach and a fine belly laugh to boot! Great fun!

Jason The [censored]
| Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by Jason The Basta | [ Reply to This ]
  Welcome back! This was a bit choppy (perhaps your intent was to demonstrate how clumsy the surgeon really was), but the closing line had the impact of an H-bomb (not because it was so striking but because it was so anti-clamctic compared to the short slicing lines that came before it). Your 'Inexperienced Surgeon' sounds more like an inexperienced lover/lousy companion that's left you expecting no more than daily heartache. Don't make me wait so long before posting next time. Take care. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-01-13 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  strange, good, strange is good. different than most "I had my heart broken...sob" poems out there, very original concept. My only suggestion might be to slow the pace of this down a bit, seems a little to quick to be describing the haze of surgery, maybe add something that describes the "not quite there" feelings that go along with the hospital scene etc., all in all though a good start and an original idea which already makes it better than 90% of this type of poem.

Milo
| Posted on 2006-01-13 00:00:00 | by Milo shanley | [ Reply to This ]
  This was really well written
The conclussion of this poem was totally unexpected
You really captured my Mind from the begining and then
Boom
You shocked me by showing that you were writing about a Realationship
That Blew my Mind
Excellent Write
God Bless
Ron

Please if you get a chance take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2006-01-13 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  this was cool. the ending was unexpected and powerful. it seemed a little choppy at first but that might have been your intention. smoothing it out would be my only suggestion. maybe add cutting images or something more related to surgery to build up more to the ending. you might also further compare the inexperienced surgeon to the lover with some other images. just ideas. the poem is good. very good.
| Posted on 2006-01-13 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]

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