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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Existencedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: longwinterdays
    ASL Info:    21/F/WA
    Elite Ratio:    4.99 - 204/190/64
    Words: 131
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1535
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 917



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsExistencedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Repitition of feelings running brisk
    Boiling liquid running through her veins
    Feelings for you that she could no longer risk
    And something unspeakable that her heart contains

    Numbness to the feelings you don't return
    And desolation palpitating through a soul, insignificant
    Affliction of those that she should no longer yearn
    Sentiments she thought were present were really always absent

    Aspirations for a closeness never felt by you
    Anxiously waiting for you to open up to her
    Inquiring as of what she should do
    Observing your relationship go by as a blur

    Feelings of pure and absolute despondency
    Not comprehending from where these feelings may be derived
    Hiding under the covers of angst, that abandoned girl is me
    Protecting myself from the existence of which I am still deprived




    Submitted on 2006-01-13 13:21:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      hey you, i thought it was good, i dont know much about writing and im not very good at it but i thought they were really good,..i've liked all of yours so far.
    lots of love
    sarah
    | Posted on 2007-02-28 00:00:00 | by smurf1433 | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm impressed at a good rhyming scheme here using longer and more complex lines.
    It's not something I come across every day.
    I also love that you managed top use rather a lot of four sylible words, the set the edgyness off wonderfully

    There is only one thing that doesn't seem to lay right for me but I cannot explain why.

    The line "Hiding under the covers of angst, that abandoned girl is me"
    Just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the work.
    It may be the amount of sylibles, it may be the stresses on the wording used, it just makes me pause when I read it aloud.

    But I do commend you, I find this a really good version of an old subject.
    | Posted on 2007-01-15 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed the beginning meaning the first two stanzas. I thought they were heartily intense and effective. The only thing I’d have a look at would be the following lines

    “And desolatoin palpitating through a soul, insignificant”

    I didn’t really see the point of having the word "Insignificant" at the end. Maybe it could fit after “prior to “Soul” but not at the end. Misspelled “desolation” by the way.


    The last two stanzas seemed a bit flat too me with the exception of the first line of the last stanza which was really cool. As I was saying, I felt as if you had broken the passion after the first eight lines going from powerful poetic emotion into some blah sentences which I didn’t find too attractive.

    Feel free to push all my suggestions aside.

    Good luck,

    Later,

    Ethan.
    | Posted on 2006-01-13 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]


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