Existence by longwinterdays

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Submission Name: Existence dots

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Author:	longwinterdays
ASL Info:	18/f/wa
Elite Ratio:	4.75 - 182/174/51
Words:	131

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	238
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	917

Description:

Existence dots

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Repitition of feelings running brisk
Boiling liquid running through her veins
Feelings for you that she could no longer risk
And something unspeakable that her heart contains

Numbness to the feelings you don't return
And desolation palpitating through a soul, insignificant
Affliction of those that she should no longer yearn
Sentiments she thought were present were really always absent

Aspirations for a closeness never felt by you
Anxiously waiting for you to open up to her
Inquiring as of what she should do
Observing your relationship go by as a blur

Feelings of pure and absolute despondency
Not comprehending from where these feelings may be derived
Hiding under the covers of angst, that abandoned girl is me
Protecting myself from the existence of which I am still deprived

Submitted on 2006-01-13 13:21:27 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  hey you, i thought it was good, i dont know much about writing and im not very good at it but i thought they were really good,..i've liked all of yours so far.
lots of love
sarah
| Posted on 2007-02-28 00:00:00 | by smurf1433 | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm impressed at a good rhyming scheme here using longer and more complex lines.
It's not something I come across every day.
I also love that you managed top use rather a lot of four sylible words, the set the edgyness off wonderfully

There is only one thing that doesn't seem to lay right for me but I cannot explain why.

The line "Hiding under the covers of angst, that abandoned girl is me"
Just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the work.
It may be the amount of sylibles, it may be the stresses on the wording used, it just makes me pause when I read it aloud.

But I do commend you, I find this a really good version of an old subject.

| Posted on 2007-01-15 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]
  I enjoyed the beginning meaning the first two stanzas. I thought they were heartily intense and effective. The only thing I’d have a look at would be the following lines

“And desolatoin palpitating through a soul, insignificant”

I didn’t really see the point of having the word "Insignificant" at the end. Maybe it could fit after “prior to “Soul” but not at the end. Misspelled “desolation” by the way.

The last two stanzas seemed a bit flat too me with the exception of the first line of the last stanza which was really cool. As I was saying, I felt as if you had broken the passion after the first eight lines going from powerful poetic emotion into some blah sentences which I didn’t find too attractive.

Feel free to push all my suggestions aside.

Good luck,

Later,

Ethan.
| Posted on 2006-01-13 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]

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