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    dots Submission Name: A dear Sweet Comparisondots

    Author: patrick o_riley
    ASL Info:    16, male, ontario
    Elite Ratio:    3.94 - 70/91/25
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 945
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 552

       This is a work in prosses I clead it up a bit but i need your help because im wanting to submit this into a wrting contest. So pleas tell me how I can improve this.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA dear Sweet Comparisondots

    I can compare thee to one,
    Like Shakespeare would say,
    It was hard but it was for you.

    Your beauty outshines the sun,
    Your eyes more beautiful then they,
    Like crystals but less dull I would say.

    Like a butterfly your dainty,
    Your hair flows lie a stream,
    But softer than a cotton bud.

    The one thing is not the sea,
    For your eyes they do gleam,
    Your look more powerful than a flood.

    Itís nature I say,
    For your looks take me away.

    Submitted on 2006-01-13 21:09:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The first thing I have to notice is that you mention Shakespeare in the first stanza, and it makes it feel like it should be following that of a Shakespearean sonnet, but then it doesn't. There's no abab thing, only three lines; but on the other hand it still follows the thought process of Shakespeare. It's got the same amount of lines in the end too, so it just totally threw me off. (This is what we get for me being an english (& history) major). I like the line where you compare her eyes to crystals, but then find the fault in crystals. This really feels like Shakespeare's "Sonnet 18", if you haven't read it you should. Dude, where did you learn to write like this? You just seem to write so far beyond your age. I don't mean that as a bad thing, it's just that this seems like something someone like, well, Shakespeare should be pounding out. I'm proud of you man...this is soooo awesome...it's going in my favs...

    | Posted on 2006-02-02 00:00:00 | by shmuzzelle | [ Reply to This ]
      it has feelings, packed with it. nice. light. but not light as simple but as deep and yet brightening. hope to read from you
    | Posted on 2006-01-31 00:00:00 | by ParLon | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very interesting write
    I too have never really read a poem written this way
    AT times it seems a little confusing because it seems you are crossing themes
    It is up to you if you wish nto change this
    This is your write
    I would never tell someone how to write
    The emotion is clearly there
    God Bless

    Please if you get a chance take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    I also saw you were only 14
    You are a very talented young man
    Keep writing as I can see it comes natural to you
    | Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I've never read a poem like this before, something about it just makes a huge contrast between things I've read; but its still very beautiful. The only thing I would change is

    Itís nature I say,
    For your looks take me away.

    ...something about that stanza just doesn't seem fit to end the poem. Other than that I greatly enjoyed reading this post. I'd give it a 8.5 out of 10.

    Sincerely yours with a bloody kiss,
    | Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by Naymless | [ Reply to This ]

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