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    dots Submission Name: reaching through youdots

    Author: sushi wok
    ASL Info:    19/f/australia
    Elite Ratio:    4.12 - 64/67/13
    Words: 167
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 811
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1042

       i haven't quite finished with this poem yet. i'm not sure what to do with it. like add more things? make it more discriptive? shorten it? ahh i don't know.

    i haven't written much since my last write, and i also think that this poem isn't quite up to my usual standards (in my own opinion).

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsreaching through youdots

    The tears wonít stop falling,
    My heart wonít stop bleeding.
    There are no more smiles,
    No more sweet dreams.
    All sweet things gone,
    All buried deep and hidden away.
    What was, will never be,
    Ever again.

    Memories of you,
    I hold so dear.
    I know youíre not dead,
    But my heart says otherwise.
    You sit so close,
    But you feel miles away.
    Many nights I cry myself to sleep,
    Thinking of you,
    And the way you used to be.

    I want to hold you close,
    But fear that if I try,
    Iíll just go through you.
    If I try to speak,
    Words wonít come out
    And when they do,
    You donít hear them.
    I fear Iíve become a ghost to you.

    Your beautiful adoring eyes see right through me.
    You used to see me,
    Look at me with your loving eyes.
    What did I do to make you be this way?
    Was it when I told you,
    I love you?

    Submitted on 2006-01-14 05:38:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Well, it's certainly sad, and I like the way you wrote this.

    Maybe the first stanza could be tweaked to save the repetition

    "The tears wonít stop falling,
    My heart wonít stop bleeding.
    There are no more smiles,
    No more sweet dreams.
    All sweet things gone,"

    something like:

    "my tears won't stop falling,
    my heart is bleeding,
    there are no more smiles
    sweet dreams have died
    all good things gone"

    unless you purposely repeated the "stop, more and sweet"

    I like the way you ended this a lot, it really wraps up the story nicely.

    Very well done, a great read

    be happy

    | Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      I can relate a lot to this poem and, somehow I've been through some of those things. This poem reminds me a lot of my work (although I don't have all my poems in this site), if you want, you should read some of my poems like "Love is Pain", "In Your Arms" and specially "Caught Up" among others, which I think you'll somehow also relate to. I like this, it reminds me of what I used to do. Keep it up!
    | Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by April0414 | [ Reply to This ]
      pain and longing 4.understood well.uncertainity maybe.how or will=happen again.a lot of questions that only time will reveal.this bothers u.not knowing if youll ever get something similiar again.the clock slows down=or seams 2.

    all my opinion=this is kinda written in an sporadic fashion but still manages to capture a lot of feeling

    nice read

    | Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by toyysruss | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very good and clear poem
    I can feel the emotion you are expressing thru your write
    Dont be afraid to share your feelings with your soulmate
    It is true some people are afraid when they hear the words I Love You but I have a funny feeling that is not the case hrear
    God Bless You and I wish the two of you the Best
    Your Friend
    | Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

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