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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Creationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Smee
    ASL Info:    17/M/UK
    Elite Ratio:    2.94 - 28/33/11
    Words: 207
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 181
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1312



    Description:
       This is the first part of a five part series.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCreationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Take a man, this lump of clay
    Son of earth along his road
    Of freezing night and blistered day
    This cracks the shell that holds its load.

    The lord of world created man
    Seated in his marble throne.
    Not god nor king of any land
    But had control of dragons stone.

    A time ago, before the laws
    Were created by the lord.
    He sat between his minions’ claws
    Whilst he sighed his dragons roared.

    He stared across his sullen world
    Filled with elemental sons
    Regarded through his eyes of pearl
    Babes of wind, wave, stone and sun.

    Created in his early days
    When his globe only young
    Perfect in near every way
    But creation had just begun.

    On this day, a time ago,
    He gathered dragons and told them to
    Take a message and with haste go
    To his sons and carry news.

    He felt the need to create afresh
    A son with all the greatest traits
    From his siblings, but with flesh
    And born with better future fates.

    He sat alone, let dragons fly
    Watched his ciphers, devoid of strife
    The evening spread across the sky
    He flexed his fingers and dreamt of life.




    Submitted on 2006-01-14 10:11:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      The rhyme is perfect. I like the humorous tone this poem takes and I love the metaphors (metaphors are my water and sustenance.. :) )
    Iv'e never quite read a style that I've liked so much, perhaps this can be attributed to the wording, not so much the style. Hmm... not sure. I will get back to you on this, but I think this will be a poem I will visit often.
    I don't think line 16 flows adequatley, but poetic license permits all. I know how hard it is to make the perfect rythm.
    Your poetry seems to contain a kind of humble wisdom.
    The Conqueror

    | Posted on 2006-11-08 00:00:00 | by The Conqueror | [ Reply to This ]
      This was relly good I can't wait to read the other 4 parts keep me updated on them if u can this was very well written and flowed magnifcently and it was very vivid this was just a flat out great poem keep it up

    -Logan-
    | Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by in_my_suffering | [ Reply to This ]
      hhaah this is really good. im a fan of the rhyming scheme, it has a definite ring to it. and your poem actually uses a decent vocab, and words that FIT, not tht look petty but dont mean anything.

    very nice.

    oh and pinkfiry? stop posting "this sounds like my poem BLAHBLAHBLAH... please read them."

    purely beacause you pissed me off im boycotting your work. this is the 3rd poem ive read that youve commented on and tried to get hits. thats not how the system works.

    Peace out.

    Dublhelix
    | Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by dublhelix | [ Reply to This ]
      Loved it. I liked everything from the rhyming to the word choice to the feeling of fsntasy. I've never read anything quite like this.

    Take a man, this lump of clay
    Son of earth along his road

    I like your description of men. Sometimes I did feel confused but it did not bother me much, because I went on to read it over and get a greater understanding. I hope you read one my work, The symphony of the damned or The devil smirks. They do not rhymie, I'm not good at that, but just tell me what you think.

    PinkFairy
    | Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by PinkFairy | [ Reply to This ]



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