Sitting comfortably is of no concern
Drying my face from the left over flood of pain.
I make no mind....
Not from lack of time, just a distracted mind.
Looking straight into the eyes of a man i once called friend.
I can't I turned my head.
At first glance it may look like i'm angry,
I'm not, i'm just crying silently.
Food, eating, drinking..
just faded memories of being healthy.
I'm sick, I'm empty.....
The taste of a choice that was made,
Lingers like betrayl on the sweet smiling lips of the mistress who took away your love,
Just for fun..
Sleeping without dreaming,
Glued to the bleakness behind my weighted down eyes.
I wake, not completely.
Why bother walking from a dreamless sleep
Into a sleepless dream like reality.
Tell me why should i keep fighting to breath,
Just to be sufficated,
Again and again..
| I'll tell you why... LOL|
I liked the message being conveyed. However I did not quite relish some of the line breaks. For instance:
"Lingers like betrayl on the sweet smiling lips of the mistress who took away your love"
That’s unduly long. I was reading it and got lost along the way. Try to even out some stanzas so as to help the poem flow better coz that I reckon is the biggest flaw of the piece, as far as I'm concerned. Additionally, I didn't really see the point of the first line of stanza 3 "Food, eating, drinking...” I thought it was puzzling ... I mean ... why don't you use another verb instead of a noun ... besides you say "Eating" afterwards so I guess you’ve got nothing to lose if you get rid of it. Just a suggestion though. Also you misspelled "Betrayal" and "Suffocated" in the penultimate line.
I did dig stanza 4 I thought it was incredibly passionate and effective especially the last 2 lines of it which were superb.
Well... That's all
|| Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ] || this poem almost made me cry...it's so true. the way i feel right now about life is that it just keeps kicking you down. i know it's negative but it's true.|
i'm not sure what happened with the man you bring up in this poem, but i am interested to know. i feel i have been thru hell and back with men...
anyways i respected your work here. thanks
|| Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by chalky | [ Reply to This ] |