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Author: glasshill
Elite Ratio:    4.63 - 27 /40 /10
Words: 138
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1060
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1072



I will be anywhere ~
but here

it is not me.
still upon this boundary,

fingers, letting
soar rapunzeled whorls;
my marionette

strings, stripped
from bare flesh – today
dangled like chains

for - no one, as they
tumble, whirling

with curls, first
floating, now descending
beneath black waves.

this is not
me ~ gazing on the
precipice of

my fear,
of the cell ~ you
choose for me.

I am now,
so small - inside - that
it can not be me

crashing down,
though tangled hair,
chains, and blood

I will
have left long
before my

body feels
frigid release ~ drowning
my demons,

my songs, my heart,
and carrying me

away ~
far away, from

Submitted on 2006-01-14 18:35:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Jase pretty much covered the bases here. I particularly liked the string allusions, the loss of your song, the black waves, the allure of the water is intoxicating, and this stanza,

body feels
frigid release ~ drowning
my demons,

the way you weaved water into the myth works really well to mesh your world with her world. It remind me of an Anne Seton poem titled Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. You can look it up on under her name. Yours has leaner quality to it that gives it a immediacy and urgency not entirely obvious in hers. Your closing lines give me chills for all there dark connotations. To some extent this is along the lines of "Some Day" although this is even leaner and has no refrain. I mean the comparison only in the sense of the short lines and linear development. It also seems to partake in parts of frayed for the same reasons. In any case I felt both of our poems evoked in this piece. So, I think you’re speaking in this piece, I hope I have heard you.
| Posted on 2006-02-08 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ]
  This screams to me of confinement in the most tragic way... people around you are not listening to what you really have to say underneath it all. At least that is what I get from it.

The story of Rapunzel is a good analolgy that you have chosen to describe this feeling of yours - the hair, the chains, falling from this tower... it all combines to give a sense of hopelessness.

I found your line-breaks made this piece hard to read at first, then I read it again and it seems to fit much better. Were you restrained by line lengths? It seems to me that every second line is longer than your first and third and that you changed your line breaks accordingly to fit in with this... just my perception.

It's well-worded, concise and emotive. There's not much else I can add other than I thought it was a great piece.

| Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  First, I like the tower shape of the poem. It evokes the whole repunzel story very well. it also has the feel of loose curls... of incoherent thought tumbling down... into dark waves.
| Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]

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