Description: this is just some creative writing to help get my writing technique up and improve on my writing style. i hope you enjoy it, you can thank alteredlife (jase) for this one, he gave me the words and the idea on how to do it, so thanks man, this one is because of your help.
of man and nymph -------------------------------------------
during the storm
reflects the photo
of that lilac forest
he was enchanted
by her music,
she was a dancer
he could not tarnish
but she was a nymph;
her love was a remnant,
lost in the sweet honey
of her strawberry sky
yeah, enjoyed that
and I could recognise jase's touch in the background.
I like how the lilac and the strawberry made me feel the flowery fruitiness of this delicious nymph... maybe the sky was a deep purple - mixing the two colours.... very suggestive of the mood and the physicality (even) of this.
As you were working within certain boundries and having to use certain words I have to commend you on this attempt.
I've tried writing to incororate certain words given by someone else and it's not an easy thing to. But, you have created a pretty decent piece with the words that were offered to you. I do agree with the other two posts about the punchuation though, it helps the reader know where to pause etc. Nice Write A Loving Hatred
So, what were the words again? I think they were: memories, storm, photo, lilac, enchanted, music, dancer, tarnish, nymph, remnant, honey and strawberry... that's twelve words, right? *goes back to check* Yup, it is lol.
I like how you've made this twelve lines long and incorporated one word into each line - I think I ended up putting several in one line and none in others, so good one on that score. And it's very concise - you managed to fit it all in with economical use of words. Which is always good.
Zach, I never gave you ideas on how to do it, I merely gave you words as a writing prompt - in order for you to explore your creative boundaries by giving you criteria to meet.
I think you've done an awesome job here - this is definitely different to what I've seen of you and I personally like this change - it seems to have opened you up to more possibilities in the art of writing, don't you think?
I do agree with Ethan though, about punctuation - just a little bit here and there to denote the required pauses for the reader to take in... here... just a suggestion...
the memories during the storm reflects the photo of that lilac day
he was enchanted by her music(,) she was a dancer he could not tarnish
but she was a nymph(;) her love was a remnant(,) lost in her sweet honey on that strawberry day
Only three instances where I think this piece needs some deliberate intervention on your behalf to tell the reader where the logical pauses are.
If I were to nitpick, your last word on you first and last stanzas are the same... lilac and strawberry days? Perhaps rework either line so that you don't repeat yourself unnecessarily? Just another thought.
I think I'll share the one that I wrote as well - when I gave you that prompt I decided to write one of my own:
'Storm Kisses Rictameter' 07/01/06
Languid, Strawberry hips Of a honey dancer Entwines with soft lilac music - A remnant of enchanted memories I hold, for I would tarnish If not for this photo I keep of you, My nymph.
Sorry, just had to leave mine here just for the hell of it - I don't think I'll be posting this one for critiquing either.
Anyways, I had to stop in and say well done man. Peace,
Nicely done my friend. I liked the colorful and alluring imagery that was provided. Nevertherless, I reckoned that punctation was lacking. I didn't know where to lay the emphasis. Maybe was intentional dunno ...
very deep, but i think you could of done alot more with it. A man and a nymph. SO much more could of come from that. Over all of what it was i like it. But this disspointed me alil compared to the rest of your writes.