Loss by Rain

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Submission Name: Loss dots

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Author:	Rain
ASL Info:	18/F/Idaho
Elite Ratio:	3.84 - 518/501/64
Words:	179

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	233
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1097

Description:

Loss

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I feel the cold,
lifeless hands,
wrapped around my neck.

Is this death?
No, it doesn’t seem
Quite like his style.

Is this God trying to wake me up,
or the Devil trying to pull me in?
No, it can’t be, they know to knock.

The grip gets tighter,
And my air way is closing.
These hands are so cold.

Depression, is that you?
Coming to tango again?
So soon, you must know I’m still weak.

Gasping for air,
I try to fight with you.
Our arms tangled together.

Blood drips from my body,
And sweat drips from your brow.
On the floor they meet.

Struggling for one good breath,
Trying for one good hit,
But I lose.

Depression wins another battle,
Giving him the lead in this war we have.
I forfeit, give in. Take me I am yours.

Taking my last breath,
I close my eyes to see,
myself drowning in a pool of emptiness.

Submitted on 2006-01-14 23:05:01 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  This is some serious shiznit! I really liked this poem a lot. This battle that so many can relate to and you put into words so wonderfully. I liked the characteristics you gave to depression-it just means that next time you jump in the ring with depression...you could totally kick it's ass! This was a great write!

Candi
| Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
  this is very well written. you really do a great job here capturing the feeling of fighting and losing to depression. i really like the struggle in the arms and blood and sweat...

very nice write.
| Posted on 2006-01-27 00:00:00 | by jdinning67 | [ Reply to This ]
  i really like this piece. it is a great write that is full of emotion and detail. it seems like something that i would write. :) i dont really know you but it seems like you are using your real life in this piece...and that is an awsome thing to do. keep up the good work.
| Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by kession | [ Reply to This ]
  This sounds much like a tango. The unforgiving dance that keeps you entranced until there is nothing left of you. A darkness that is so soundly beaten into you that you know no way to ecscape, you will forever be caught in this tango of useless emotions. The ability to be numb will no longer present itself, because you know without a doubt that you will not be able to hold back the deafening blindness.

Smooth write.
Kitty
| Posted on 2006-01-22 00:00:00 | by I Exsist | [ Reply to This ]
  That was great! I couldnt of wrote it better myself. Take my advice and dont let other people get you down. Stic with your own ideas and do not let anyone sway your thoughts about your poetry.
Kelley
| Posted on 2006-01-19 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
  awesome, i like how you portrayed this emotion as a battle, and you showed it for how intense it realy is, i wrote a similar poem it was about panic not deppression.
| Posted on 2006-01-19 00:00:00 | by Laura Black | [ Reply to This ]
  Man woman! This was a frakin powerful write!
BRAVO for writing this...no sh*t!

"I feel the cold,
lifeless hands,
wrapped around my neck."

Great entry and totally sets the mood of the emotion.

"Is this death?
No, it doesn’t seem
Quite like his style."

That stanza is just creative brilliance...it can stand alone and get mucho feedback!

"Is this God trying to wake me up,
or the Devil trying to pull me in?
No, it can’t be, they know to knock."

That one just made me laugh and say..."yup"

"The grip gets tighter,
And my air way is closing.
These hands are so cold. "

Pulls you deeper into the write.

"Depression, is that you?
Coming to tango again?
So soon, you must know I’m still weak."

Yup...depression never knocks...it just lingers there and says "high" when it senses you are in a moment of weakness...another fine stanza!

"Gasping for air,
I try to fight with you.
Our arms tangled together."

OOOOOOOoooooo...the ever constant battle!

"Blood drips from my body,
And sweat drips from your brow.
On the floor they meet."

Oh no! Depression seems to have gained the upper hand! DAMN IT!

"Struggling for one good breath,
Trying for one good hit,
But I lose."

Awwww...the reader now learns who the victor is...boo-hooo...the valiant muse has lost.

"Depression wins another battle,
Giving him the lead in this war we have.
I forfeit, give in. Take me I am yours."

Yup, the poet is succumbing to the inevitible fact that this battle goes to its foe.

"Taking my last breath,
I close my eyes to see,
myself drowning in a pool of emptiness."

DAAAARRRR! How can it be! This stupid emotion has taken a muse away from me! Little f*cker! Now I, as a reader, just wanna go find this depression guy and strangle him in a more morbid and torturous fashion then he had done to you...the writer!

GRRRRRRRRRRR! Give me one...no...FIVE minutes alone with this depression character and it will be non-existant!

Hee-Hee...thats just a stanza by stanza breakdown of how this write makes the (well, THIS) reader feel.

NIce one Kimbre RAin...a pleasure it is to see you posting again.

| Posted on 2006-01-18 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  "is this God trying to wake me up,
or the Devil trying to pull me in?
No, it can't be, they know how to knock"

Hehehe, the Devils little minions have been known to manifest by knocking on walls and stuff.
Thean of course theres' what Jesus said, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock..."

I think you've reached a new level here, K.Rain.
It still has your slightly wry, darkness about it, but with more complexity.
I like your reasoning in the beginning, trying to identify just what it is that's tormenting you. I have to ask, is this something you've written recently, or did you find it in a old notebook? It strikes me as new, but maybe just because it's different...

Take heart; some of the greatest people who ever lived fought long battles with depression all their life. Abraham Lincoln was intellegent, warm hearted, and slightly quirky( did you that when he worked in his study, he would put documents and paper on the wide brim of his hat until they splayed out like a fan "for safekeeping" lol), and everyone loved him, but he was prone to long bouts of deep, dark depression.

Just keep fighting; you'll find your knack again.
| Posted on 2006-01-17 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
  ooh, I like it!

Depression, is that you?
coming to tango again?
So soon, you must know I'm still weak

Like you just got conqeured(?) depression, and then, WHAM! ooOOOoohh... It's back! I get the feel of this one, morbid, not quite too sad, just tired...

Blood drips from my body,
and sweat drips from your brow,
they meet on the floor

The fight you up against the feeling of the lifeless cold hands of depression grasping you...
when you say 'sweat drips from your brow', it a sounds like you're talking to a real person, maybe the cause of your stress/depression...maybe I'm wrong...

I liked it though

Very nice write, Kim! Keep it up!

Avril54
| Posted on 2006-01-17 00:00:00 | by Avril54 | [ Reply to This ]
  Shit, Kim, this is seriously good! This sucks the reder into this personal wrestling match, and I just love the questions at the start, making one wonder who it will turn out to be.

Personifying things like depression is great therapy to beat them.

Excellent work, dear, very very good. I loved every word except for the last stanza...nyah. Too many odepression poems end with death in a pool of blood. This is better than the rest.

be happy

Graeme
| Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
  Really good, though me thinks a little bit on the morbis side.. but maybe that's what makes it so good? *cries* Aki's sorry for not reviewing your other things, but I've been to lazy. Anyways... Back to your work.. I loved the first three stanzas, I don't really know why though. Um.. keep up the good work in writing stuff!
| Posted on 2006-01-14 00:00:00 | by Akili | [ Reply to This ]

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