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    dots Submission Name: My Disease (Revision)dots

    Author: metalman_21
    ASL Info:    17/m/NE
    Elite Ratio:    2.58 - 30/42/17
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 652
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1093

       Well, due to the reviews I got on this poem's rough draft, I figured I'd take it in a new direction. Hope ya'll like the revision!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Disease (Revision)dots

    Itís over/
    I look back at the times we had.
    Visiting memories. Both good and bad.
    Passionate nights where we didnít dare sleep,
    And dark-crimson fights where we would both weep.
    Broken doors and broken hearts.
    Now the dream must end./

    Engulfed in flames,
    But never burn.
    Encased in Ice,
    But never freeze.
    Lost in Burden.
    Cut the Strings.
    Burn the bridges.
    My disease.

    Talking to you,
    Brings hope back to me.
    Feelings once lost,
    Have now been set free.
    Iíve loved you so long,
    But have been so scared.
    I thought youíd reject me.
    Thatíd youíd leave me bare.
    But now that weíre here,
    Iíd just like to say,
    Iíve loved you since,
    That hot summer day./

    Extinguish the flames.
    Itís started to char.
    Chisel the ice.
    Itís not meant for me.
    Burden is lifted.
    New seeds be sown.
    Through this new love,
    Death is obscene./

    Submitted on 2006-01-15 01:26:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked this piece. If I look at this from a lyrical standpoint, I could totally see this working. It has a gentle flow and then breaks into a heavier, broken "chorus" type thing. The song "Cemetary Gates" by Pantera is kinda going through my mind when I read how this could actually play out in a song. Not that you necessarily meant it to be that way, but those are my thoughts.

    Anyhow, I did like it!
    | Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      Engulfed in flames,
    But never burn.
    Encased in Ice,
    But never freeze.
    Lost in Burden.
    Cut the Strings.
    Burn the bridges.
    My disease.

    hey yo i liked this one a lot and it's definitely going on my fave list. that stanza was my favorite. i think it flowed alright but other than that i consider this perfection. i like the transition from uncertainty to reassurance
    | Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      aahhh, there was a good concept behind it, but i just kept feeling like..there should be more. it didn't really flow well, but the thing about that is ..it would start to bust into a smooth flow and then it would break out of it and it'd have to gain my interest all over again. thanks for sharing though. i enjoyed reading it.
    | Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by Cannablisjunkie | [ Reply to This ]
      This poems seems like it would make good song lyrics. I think that perhap you've overpunctuated this piece somewhat - or perhaps there are too many periods that denote a hard pause when a comma would do much better.... for example, in your last stanza -
    'Extinguish the flames(,)
    Itís started to char.
    Chisel the ice(,)
    Itís not meant for me.
    Burden is lifted(,)
    New seeds be sown.
    Through this new love,
    Death is obscene.'
    - see what I mean? You could probably apply this to other stanzas but I won't go totally into it.

    And I'm not really a fan of these / marks - I don't really see the point, but that's just my opinion. It's probably also why this made me think of song lyrics...

    I wish I could say more but that's all I can think of.

    | Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]

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