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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Disease (Revision)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: metalman_21
    ASL Info:    17/m/NE
    Elite Ratio:    2.58 - 30/42/17
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 652
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1093



    Description:
       Well, due to the reviews I got on this poem's rough draft, I figured I'd take it in a new direction. Hope ya'll like the revision!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Disease (Revision)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Itís over/
    I look back at the times we had.
    Visiting memories. Both good and bad.
    Passionate nights where we didnít dare sleep,
    And dark-crimson fights where we would both weep.
    Broken doors and broken hearts.
    Now the dream must end./

    Engulfed in flames,
    But never burn.
    Encased in Ice,
    But never freeze.
    Lost in Burden.
    Cut the Strings.
    Burn the bridges.
    My disease.

    Love?/
    Talking to you,
    Brings hope back to me.
    Feelings once lost,
    Have now been set free.
    Iíve loved you so long,
    But have been so scared.
    I thought youíd reject me.
    Thatíd youíd leave me bare.
    But now that weíre here,
    Iíd just like to say,
    Iíve loved you since,
    That hot summer day./

    Extinguish the flames.
    Itís started to char.
    Chisel the ice.
    Itís not meant for me.
    Burden is lifted.
    New seeds be sown.
    Through this new love,
    Death is obscene./




    Submitted on 2006-01-15 01:26:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I really liked this piece. If I look at this from a lyrical standpoint, I could totally see this working. It has a gentle flow and then breaks into a heavier, broken "chorus" type thing. The song "Cemetary Gates" by Pantera is kinda going through my mind when I read how this could actually play out in a song. Not that you necessarily meant it to be that way, but those are my thoughts.

    Anyhow, I did like it!
    Candi
    | Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      Engulfed in flames,
    But never burn.
    Encased in Ice,
    But never freeze.
    Lost in Burden.
    Cut the Strings.
    Burn the bridges.
    My disease.

    hey yo i liked this one a lot and it's definitely going on my fave list. that stanza was my favorite. i think it flowed alright but other than that i consider this perfection. i like the transition from uncertainty to reassurance
    | Posted on 2006-02-17 00:00:00 | by unknown soldier | [ Reply to This ]
      aahhh, there was a good concept behind it, but i just kept feeling like..there should be more. it didn't really flow well, but the thing about that is ..it would start to bust into a smooth flow and then it would break out of it and it'd have to gain my interest all over again. thanks for sharing though. i enjoyed reading it.
    | Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by Cannablisjunkie | [ Reply to This ]
      This poems seems like it would make good song lyrics. I think that perhap you've overpunctuated this piece somewhat - or perhaps there are too many periods that denote a hard pause when a comma would do much better.... for example, in your last stanza -
    'Extinguish the flames(,)
    Itís started to char.
    Chisel the ice(,)
    Itís not meant for me.
    Burden is lifted(,)
    New seeds be sown.
    Through this new love,
    Death is obscene.'
    - see what I mean? You could probably apply this to other stanzas but I won't go totally into it.

    And I'm not really a fan of these / marks - I don't really see the point, but that's just my opinion. It's probably also why this made me think of song lyrics...

    I wish I could say more but that's all I can think of.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    87576

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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