This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -

Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password


Author: dead,yetalive
ASL Info:    19,female, mia FL
Elite Ratio:    4.93 - 100 /104 /28
Words: 111
Class/Type: Prose /Broken
Total Views: 1419
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 701


this poem is dedicated to my dad. i felt that he should know what's going on. I was on the phone the other day and I was talking to my friend and telling her that I was so depressed that I was becoming suicidal again. She was talking me out of it and my da kept telling me to get off the phone. I was on the verge of crying from what she was telling me and then he hit me. I started crying and I was crying for 2 hours and I couldn't stop. he kept coming back and yelling at me to do my homework. and what even more depressing is the fact that I was crying and he was yelling at me without know ing what was wrong and when my brother fake cries he cares soo much more.


I wish you would listen as much as you talk.
You think I'm crying because you hit me?!
Well, I barely felt it
You think I'm crying because you made me hang up the phone?!
I was helping you by helping myself
You don't understand, although I wish you did
I am crying because I'm suicidal
I'm crying because I suffer from depression
I'm crying because I hate those whom I "have to" love
I'm crying because I don't remember what love is or even how it feels.
I'm crying because the only person I ever REALLY loved is dead and more than half my soul along with her.

Submitted on 2006-01-15 09:56:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Hi Doe,
Well, after your last comment on my page I felt I just had to come and check out "Mami". I'm glad I did. :)

I have to admit that I thought it was a poem until I noticed that you had classified it as prose. I think it works well as both.

Overall, this poem/prose was a great example of using experience/situation to confront and to evoke an awareness of something that might not otherwise be talked about (or hidden deep down inside). Someone else commented that there were not many literary devices used to help convey the deeper meaning. To start with, I thought this was an example of free verse which in itself is a style/device of poetry. You also use the trademarks of characterization, exposition, repetition to emphasize and conflict. I could go on but that would be boring. ;)

Anyway, as to specific comments:
* I really like the almost letter style you used. I recently read another poem on this site which did the same thing and I really feel it personalises the verse (ie like you are giving an insight into something private – which is exactly what you have done).
* I thought your use of repetition was very effective (eg, "I was helping you by helping myself" and "I'm crying because …..")
* re " I hate those whom I "have to" love" – I thought this was a great insight into the underlying conflict. My only comment is that I thought it would have been good to explore this particular conflict a little further (eg, through imagery etc.).
* Also, I think it would have helped to split up the last line to give it a bit more power eg:

"I'm crying because the only person I ever REALLY loved is dead

and more than half my soul along with her."

* One of the ideas behind free verse is "to hell with punctuation", but I felt this piece could do with a little more thought into punctuation (eg, I'm not a fan of "?!" and there were a few places I thought a comma or full stop or semi-colon might have aided with the flow/readability). However, this is just a thought and "Mami" does not necessariy suffer because of it.

I liked this and think it is a really great write/exploration. I am really saddened though that this is a real experience for you. As you know, I can really relate. Sometimes it is soooo hard to make others understand. It makes you feel trapped and isolated, and even when you try to reach out, others can sometimes be caught up so much in themselves that you sacrifice your own feelings to sustain or prop up them. Hang in there babe! I don’t know if it gets better, but we can continue to hope and express ourselves through meaningful writes like this.
| Posted on 2006-03-15 00:00:00 | by TD | [ Reply to This ]
  This is very straight forward language wise; nothing wrong with that. I'll admit that this piece didn't hit me hard with any metaphors or similes or other poetic divices but this is more of a slam stlye poem. It is filled with raw emotion and definately make your true emotions felt. I would recomend performing this at least once. It's good to unload. As far as feeling suicidal I've been there; I think most people have, but it gets better as you get older. Not that life gets any easier but writing is a good tool to escape the things that drag you down.

Now thanks for reading my piece that isn't titled. Facad-ommy is my play on words it's a made up word, but my emphasis is more on beat/rhthm that grammar. I basically combined two words Facade; a charde or hoax and Sodomy- anal sex the word facade carries the same sound as sod hence facad-omy thanks peace.
| Posted on 2006-03-14 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]
  Nena, I felt this same way about my mother. Our relationship was so screwed up that at one point I just didn't give a f*ck and was contemplating suicide as well. My father isn't around much but I feel like he loves me more than she does. So you're not alone m'ija. I'm sorry that you are going through this, because I've been there, only I didn't have anyone to talk to. I mean, I had a brother and sister, but I couldn't go to them and say that sometimes I wanted to kill myself because of the way our mother treated me. But anyway, this isn't about me, it's about you. I hope that your situation improves, looking at your age you're only 14 and you don't deserve to be treated like that (at any age really...) Pero, I know I'm not doing much for you as far as commenting on the letter/poem itself, but I wanna let you know that I know where you're coming from if you ever want to talk.

| Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
  Honus is the type of person that doesn't really get what poetry is. Because poetry can be taken diffferent from person to person. He/she thinks poetry is one set thing, and it won't very from that. Well he's wrong. Because you know what else? He didn't read the fact that this was a prose, and not a poem. So COMPLETLEY disregard what he/she said. They're dumb.

Besides that, great write for an audiance that appreciates this type of poetry. Your emotions were felt, your urgency was seen. Your pleading was there. You should read Sylvia Plath. She was abstract, yet not. And all her poems are to her father, maybe you can relate?

I'm sorry for the situation you're in, it's horrible. There are hotlines you can call when you're feeling suicidal and they're free. 1-800 numbers. I suggest you call them.
| Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by Secrets Unheard | [ Reply to This ]
  This isn't a poem, Its a letter.Plain and simple.I am sorry for your situation.It sounds like it really sucks, but this isn't poetry.You haven't given me anything to connect with lyrically, there is nothing inspired or tantalizing about this. It is a letter, blunt, straightforward, and not to me, so why would I be interested in it? I need something abstract and strong that puts my mind in the situation. I have no way of being inside this poem because it is so foreign to me, you have to give the reader a reason to read it, other than a voyueristic fascination with reading your mail.
| Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by honus | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?