Description: This is also dedicated to my dad, whom, at this piont in time, I dislike very much. I feel like a prisoner like that of the Holocaust- I can necer do anything or have what I want unless it's something that he has and doesn't want anymore. As some of you know, my mom died almost 2 months before I wrote this (September 22) and the only good thins I have left in my life are my school and my friends, and now he's trying to take those from me too!
Bloody murder of mine -------------------------------------------
Bloody murder of mine that I see
Whether mine or thine death it shall be
you never let me be myself
just a perfect angel must be left
I promise you that next time
The next mistake surely shall be thine
I'm at the edge and you keep pushing
Blindfolded or not you'll no longer be looking
I'm already trapped as you can see
but go any further it'll be the end of me
I may let you live that you may suffer
the guilt inside that that made me tougher
Bloody murder of mine that I see
whether mine or thine death it shall be
If I kill myself it'll be your fault
If I go to hell please bid my mom farewell.
a dad and a child thing seems like a never ending battle. I have my stepson who thinks I am the meanest person cause i had put him in his place, cause i had seen his actions before and i know what it can leafd to. I know this is tough that your dad does not want you to be yourself, maybe he is scare of loosing you? and the same time by trapping you of his fears he is loosing you. well, you know i am here for you peace and loves
I guess there's no such thing as parent/child bond anymore...
Well, the wording is pretty good, the rhyme is good, and the title sure does reach out and grab you... I think something is missing, I just can't pin it down or whatever...but still I don't this is a bad piece... There's nothing reall ywrong with it, and that's all I have to say.
I'm flubbergasted... I mean I loved the way you used the title especially when you let us know that it can be applied to you or your father. Also I like to accent how the use of “Thine” enforced the message for it made sound more passionate but I think you already know that...
One thing that called my attention was the fact that you repeated the word "That" in line 12 which may have been intentional ... dunno... Anyhow have look at it.
Also the ending was something I found particularly puzzling …. I reckoned it was quite brilliant but I was thunderstruck when you imply that if you died you would go to hell whereas if you dad died he’d go to heaven? Wouldn’t it have more sense if you said the reverse ……….. I’m not saying is wrong though I was just asking …….
I hope the relationship between you and you dad gets better. I know how exasperating parents can be …… I bloody do …….
I like the general style of this. The form has tremendous power and pull. That's wonderful, but it's just an empty shell until you have a good command of the language. It does indeed seemed forced and robotic.
The content of this poem is clichéd, therefore you need to find a revoluntionary way of saying it. To paraphrase an Elite author, an author's job is to make clichés interesting.
wow, Keep plugging away, sweety, you'll get it sooner or later. I think you need to go out on the internet, read and analyze as much modern poetry as you can and absorb some groundbreaking stuff. You are caught in the trap of using words that you think belong in poetry. If you are serious about writing good poetry then study good poetry, absorb some style.