ok let see here hmmm nice satin and showing with blood very nice very red wait a minute… unit to base! unit to base! we have a situation here! yes we have an ID on one; Charles, Robert, Ida, Mary, Sam, Ocean, Nora please approach with caution suspect is wearing red and is all over this site! En route unit 999 we have the swat smileys on their way to take care of the “crimson” perpetrator. Ok, we have the situation under control “crimson” has been taken into custody. We shall give you alternatives to the evil word they are as follows: scarlet, rubicund, cherry, ruddy, blush, carmine, sanguine, vermillion, damask, ruby, magenta, cerise, garnet, cardinal, rouge, and claret. please try to use other alternatives. The “crimson” word is becoming an epidemic, we must stop it! please do you part and save this poetry from crimson proliferation.
Now moving on here, “river of (choose other selected blood/rosy/red colored word) makes the path to glory” I like the darkness and yet seemingly erotic undertones in that. Then the satin changes from red to black, like a checkerboard haha sorry, it becomes as night even better. Also I do like everlasting kiss. the wrap me up kind of grows me weary, to show some variation would be more enjoyable, at least for me everyone is different. one thing here the third stanza “on this night and evry night” your “evry” needs to be “every” more wrap me ups grr but ok if you like it that is all that matters, I can't say I do, moving on… the ending, falling from grace as a team, ha! Now that’s the spirit. “And don’t ever let go” nice ending. Couple trims here and there if you care to change if not that is ok too. Nicely done,
i enjoyed this. the writing is kinda ruff though some of it just seems a little forced out. the concepts good and i liked it over all, it was a fairly good piece not to say anything bad about it but it seems like its missing somthing i just cant tell what...which make the whole comment a tad pointless. but i liked it its good just laking.
had a nice concept, but after reading it i was given the impression that you didn't proof read it. a sentence or two didn't make sense..to ME. it could make sense to you but like i said i just didn't get it. i enjoyed it though, thanks for sharing.