Embrace by forestspirit

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Submission Name: Embrace dots

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Author:	forestspirit
ASL Info:	21/m/inside
Elite Ratio:	8 - 58/45/27
Words:	128

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	160
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	833

Description:
just wrote this not too long ago. It developed from these particular lines I used in a conversation. I was still somewhat trippin when I wrote this but not completely...............................

Embrace

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Sun rising above the horizon
Devouring what is left of the night
The fire burning, fiery circle
The ritual, the hazy flight

Come with me into the sunset
Follow me in through the sea
Come with me forever to roam
The night is ours, make it our home

There is an angel who has lost her wings
She waits with the sinking tide
Throw your hands out, welcome her in
She embraces, forgiving my sin

Dance around the fiery circle
Dance to rhythms of Cadomble priests
Between the angel and devil's strife
Dance holding on to what is left of life

With hands interlocked, walking
Running by the ocean side
With a child like smile on her face
She pulls me through tonight

Submitted on 2006-01-15 14:05:50 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  :) I love this poem of yours. The first of your writings that i read, I think. Its beautiful, has this entirely different rhythm. For some reason, it reminds me of ancient ruins, a reminder Im fond of.
I don't see why you call yourself a bad writer. I actually dont see why you call yourself a bad anything. See, why I said your poems were perfect? It sounds like you.
| Posted on 2006-08-09 00:00:00 | by fiery whisper | [ Reply to This ]
  Terrific imagery. The uncommon rhyme scheme is interesting. It seems like an "abcb - abcc - abcb". That's cool, although the first and last "b"s aren't exactly the same. I was torn between the thought of whether this was intentional or not, but I don't see any reason for this to be a flaw in the piece, so I'll praise your originality.

The one thing I think needs revising is the first stanza.
"The fire burning, fiery circle
The ritual and choose thy bride"
It doesn't make sense. Not grammatically anyway, although your meaning is understandable. I suggest you replace "fiery" with another adjective because you've stated that a fire is burning before. I also think you should change the format of these two lines. It would do your poem justice.

All in all, great write,

DeepDreamer2008
| Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
  Great write. The images you protrayed were absolutely fantastic. You showed feeling, emotion, and also some very nice metaphores. I find it odd how I can't find one bad thing to say about anybody...Well, not REALLY bad. I haven't found one bad poem, though. Awesome.

Comment on some of my stuff sometime, thanks.

Alessio
| Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by Secrets Unheard | [ Reply to This ]

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