Another day
Just like the others
A little young man stands
On a timeless land
Where the clocks don’t move
He thinks
Of what he will do then
Or what he will have to face
And this will end soon
As soon as the clock ticks
His worries will be gone
He will be much better
He will be grateful for life
Much more than before
Because he is about to face
His and only worry
Now lets wait
Until the clock ticks
And see that he is much better
And than
Everyone he loves and appreciate
Will see that this little young man feels much better
He has been feeling down
Since a week or so
And this will stop
When?
When the clock will start to tick again…
You'll never guess what this poem made me think of. You remember in the movie "Back to the Future" when Michael J. Fox was hanging from one of the hands of the clock tower, waiting for Doc to drive the car at just the right moment?
I'm sure that's not at all what you were thinking, but the best poems are the ones that leave room for many different images and interpretations. Nice job.
I imagine a child sitting on the second hand of a huge metal clock. You still have a little more work to do with your poetry, but you are young, and coming along nicely. The images conjured in this are better then that of some other poems I have read. Just keep writing and it will all fall into place.
Writing on time. One of my favorite topics to think about, but when I try to write about it, nothing seems to fit. In this peice everything worked nicely together. A couple small errors but nothing too bad.
It has a sureal charachter to it. The passage of time frozen? It seems to imply the deep freeze of winter. The nearly static environment of a snow covered vista. Is it merely one week or one season? The comparison between mood and time is strong. What is wanting is elements of the environment to add symbolic flavor to the piece as well as inner tonalities like a deeper understanding of the nature of your mood. Paint the poem the way you would a drawing. Give the imagery of a frozen clock or a frozen world.
This has a very good foundation. If you add depth to it, it will truly be very good.
*shudders* all right, you just put me into the land of melting clocks... curse you but really, this poem is awesome. there's a sort of erethreal and omnious air to it that just makes it all the more interesting. (btw, ignore my spelling, it sucks) but you know what this really reminded me of? of course you don't, that's why i'm going to tell you ... but seriously, it reminded me when i was in a really deep depression. everything seems so sluggish and there was this heavy weight on my chest that leached into my other limbs and contaminated my heart. i remember this because, like your poem, one second seemed an eternity but then i blinked my eye and the seconds had passed, and i was fine again... lol, i don't know if that made any sense to you but, oh well, i enjoyed the write!
This is sad This write to me speaks of someone who is sad and feels that society has forgotten about him and he feels hes trapped in time The only way he will feel better is hopefully when time resumes and hes older and then society will listen and understand him I agree with you thou Society does not take the youths point of view seriosly enough We have to realize todays children and teenagers are the future of our country I for one am positive with all the unneccesary strife they go thru The world will be in Good Hands God Bless Ron
Please if you get a chance take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think Thank You Ron You have talent my friend keep writing
st1: I have mixed feelings here one is it seems monotonous and the other is that it seems like a fear of the unknown. A place where time stops sounds rather uneventful and yet it does seem eerie as well especially by the 8th line “or what will he have to face” face is funny as a pun but I do not think it was intentional. what is striking here is the verse “just like the others” either it is a day to day feeling or it happens more frequently then the person would want it to. Here I see a representation of time affecting a life or perception. One who says they feel as if time is standing still might not have much going on around them perhaps the humdrum boredom of life has gotten to them. But there is more here in the stanzas to come.
st2: in this stanza I have this feeling there is more than just boredom here there is an actual deep seated thing that has taken root. by the line in stanza one “or what he will have to face” taken with his worries will be gone” this sounds like something tragic more than just boredom there is something eating at the person. another line that pops out at me is “he will be grateful for life” that begs the question “why isn’t he grateful? what happened to make him that way perhaps that is what is missing here. again there is an echo of a previous thought written in a different way that is: “because he is about to face” followed by “his one and only worry” here the worry is a mystery to me. if I simplify it and say what fear would that clock stoppage lead to? perhaps a feeling of something one has to do something with their life or maybe there is a big life change waiting and it seems like time is standing still. I do not know but I can guess at it. It may be just plain feeling down too and this young man wants to be happy again. You have “His and only worry” add in the “one” to make “his one and only worry”
st3: the waiting until it resumes and the feeling of wanting to get better it feels sad. I do see here that the waiting may be the problem that is my problem too I wait for things by procrastination one of my many ills.
st4: yeah I think it is simply feeling down could be more complex than that but line 4 “he has been feeling down” hit the mark. what made it complex is the “what he will have to face part” that led me to believe there was something deep here, I suppose if he is to face something it is problems that cause him to feel down in the first place. The last line is very nice to want the clock to start up again.
Wow! I mean you are only thirteen years old, and look at this! Not that I haven't written when I was thirteen!!! CHeck your poem again, some spelling and grammatical mitakes remain... Ask me if you cannot find the mistakes.
I really liked this one..there was a lot of emotions I could relate to...but I've always hated time for my own personal reasons...basically in the simplest terms for what it never allowed me to have.THis was some [censored] awesome imagry...loved it. peace. ~jess
I love this. LOVE IT. You have really jumped like 50 places here, you wrote it very well. It really drew the reader in. It was a bit shaky in the middle, but just too many words. You might want to read over it again & reword it a little bit but I enjoyed it so much.
I love the emotion that your sending out, I wrote a poem a lot like this a long time ago. It is something that I think a lot of people can relate to. Wonderful job. Keep writing, your doing a wonderful job. ~jennifer
I could definitely almost sense a feeling of confused, sadness while reading this one. although it is short it also is very concise and makes the reader know what the subject feels. excellent job and thanks for sharing!
Submission Name: Unmoving Clock
