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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Blinddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DanceADream
    ASL Info:    16 f canada
    Elite Ratio:    5.05 - 205/153/29
    Words: 212
    Class/Type: Prose/Serious
    Total Views: 1022
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1332



    Description:
       Many people rely on the apperance of something, to make a good poem. In this poem the character is blind and does not have that option. So my poem does not once refer to the sight of anything. i used other senses, like smell and touch.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlinddots
    -------------------------------------------


    I failed life today
    When I didnt think
    And sat behind the wheel.
    Not knowing where i was going
    I stepped on the gas
    And started to drive,
    When I heard some awful screams.
    By the time i hit the breaks
    A life was added on deaths will.
    I got out of the car
    And touched the dead girls hair
    Drenched in her warm blood.
    I started to cry
    Why wasn't it me?
    I ran as fast as i could
    And stumbled down some stairs
    To hide away in shame
    Beneath the world.
    The walls felt close and cold and damp.
    The stench,
    Of mold and waste.
    I didn't notice a man was there
    Possibly more dissilusioned then I.
    He tripped me on the concrete
    And stabbed me several times.
    The life rushed out of me
    In every drop of blood.
    I heard the man tell me
    That heaven's a delight
    And at the end of the tunnel,
    I would see a light.
    I felt myself drifting off
    As his words echoed in my ears;
    "Follow the light."
    But I didn't know
    which way to go;
    It's a hard decision, you understand?
    I did not know the light from dark
    Because I'm blind and cannot see.




    Submitted on 2006-01-15 20:46:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I liked the first 6 lines and the last 7 lines. Everything in between did not seem to make sense to me about the poem, it was like a side track to your thoughts of showing how a person can be emotionally blind from being in the dark to long. I would suggest finding another way you arrived at the tunnel and it's light. Maybe Say the past ringed in your ears and you crashed the car and the man or ghost, spoke to you about heaven and the tunnel. It to me would make this seem more effective and connect better the begnning and end. Overall, this was nice.

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-05-11 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW! This was very good and very thought prevoking, your thoughts are very colorful! Thanks for the great read ! I will add this to my Fav's.
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2006-05-03 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the use of senses. This was well said in its depictions of those perceptions.

    I guess it would be crude to say that a poem about being blind was dark, but this certainly was. Talk about having a bad day...

    I also look at this as a metaphor for being emotionally blind. It is a lot like how we can get hurt or can harm others.

    Thanks for gving us this unseeing vision.

    Chrystine
    | Posted on 2006-01-19 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked it, the way you said you took a chance today, and you failed life, you never even hinted on that the person in question was blind, it gives the poem a good twist at the end, liked how you ended up dieing in the end also, it shows how even if you do something bad even if you are mentally or physically handicapped the it will come back to you, no matter what you will get pay back, i liked it, it should not be changed.
    take care
    trinity
    | Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by in_a_trap | [ Reply to This ]
      some how I can not even begin to visualize a blind person even thinking of getting behind the wheel of a car and try to drive it that part of your poem was just not believiable to me, other then that yea I have to agree with the others it is a good descriptive write and you did a good job of portraying all the other senses anyway thats my take on this
    adnil
    | Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by adnil | [ Reply to This ]
      I especailly appreciate how you decided not to use sight-based descriptions but instead, taking the perspective of the character and drawing the reader in using descriptions of the other senses. at first i just thought that part was pretty cool but by the time i got to the end i understood why and it was even cooler. very good job and thanks for sharing!

    Meow!
    | Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by lynxstarfire | [ Reply to This ]
      i have to admit,i wasn't impressed at first,but did become interested before the end.i really didnt know why at first=i became interested,till i read the comment by hurtdeepdown.i did fell like the character.twass odd for me.eventhough such misery,as this mind is in,is common 4 me.was also very descriptive.the car or accident refered to is also a relatable scenerio to most i would assume=cool
    i enjoyed this read.i likes a story more than true poetry

    toyysruss
    | Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by toyysruss | [ Reply to This ]
      That really made me feel like I was the character. I've read poems where I could get into the charactor, but not acually feel like I'm experiencing what they are and you did that here! This is an awesome writing. I'm glad u put that description too so I knew to look out for that but I would have noticed anyways. My fav part would've had to been:

    And stumbled down some stairs
    To hide away in shame
    Beneath the world.
    The walls felt close and cold and damp.
    The stench,
    Of mold and waste.

    I liked this probably because it was very descriptive and gave me the feeling it described. You have a wonderfull talent and I look forward to reading more by you!
    Take care,
    Steph
    | Posted on 2006-01-15 00:00:00 | by HurtDeepDown | [ Reply to This ]


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