Description: Many people rely on the apperance of something, to make a good poem. In this poem the character is blind and does not have that option. So my poem does not once refer to the sight of anything. i used other senses, like smell and touch.
I failed life today
When I didnt think
And sat behind the wheel.
Not knowing where i was going
I stepped on the gas
And started to drive,
When I heard some awful screams.
By the time i hit the breaks
A life was added on deaths will.
I got out of the car
And touched the dead girls hair
Drenched in her warm blood.
I started to cry
Why wasn't it me?
I ran as fast as i could
And stumbled down some stairs
To hide away in shame
Beneath the world.
The walls felt close and cold and damp.
Of mold and waste.
I didn't notice a man was there
Possibly more dissilusioned then I.
He tripped me on the concrete
And stabbed me several times.
The life rushed out of me
In every drop of blood.
I heard the man tell me
That heaven's a delight
And at the end of the tunnel,
I would see a light.
I felt myself drifting off
As his words echoed in my ears;
"Follow the light."
But I didn't know
which way to go;
It's a hard decision, you understand?
I did not know the light from dark
Because I'm blind and cannot see.
I liked the first 6 lines and the last 7 lines. Everything in between did not seem to make sense to me about the poem, it was like a side track to your thoughts of showing how a person can be emotionally blind from being in the dark to long. I would suggest finding another way you arrived at the tunnel and it's light. Maybe Say the past ringed in your ears and you crashed the car and the man or ghost, spoke to you about heaven and the tunnel. It to me would make this seem more effective and connect better the begnning and end. Overall, this was nice.
i liked it, the way you said you took a chance today, and you failed life, you never even hinted on that the person in question was blind, it gives the poem a good twist at the end, liked how you ended up dieing in the end also, it shows how even if you do something bad even if you are mentally or physically handicapped the it will come back to you, no matter what you will get pay back, i liked it, it should not be changed. take care trinity
some how I can not even begin to visualize a blind person even thinking of getting behind the wheel of a car and try to drive it that part of your poem was just not believiable to me, other then that yea I have to agree with the others it is a good descriptive write and you did a good job of portraying all the other senses anyway thats my take on this adnil
I especailly appreciate how you decided not to use sight-based descriptions but instead, taking the perspective of the character and drawing the reader in using descriptions of the other senses. at first i just thought that part was pretty cool but by the time i got to the end i understood why and it was even cooler. very good job and thanks for sharing!
i have to admit,i wasn't impressed at first,but did become interested before the end.i really didnt know why at first=i became interested,till i read the comment by hurtdeepdown.i did fell like the character.twass odd for me.eventhough such misery,as this mind is in,is common 4 me.was also very descriptive.the car or accident refered to is also a relatable scenerio to most i would assume=cool i enjoyed this read.i likes a story more than true poetry
That really made me feel like I was the character. I've read poems where I could get into the charactor, but not acually feel like I'm experiencing what they are and you did that here! This is an awesome writing. I'm glad u put that description too so I knew to look out for that but I would have noticed anyways. My fav part would've had to been:
And stumbled down some stairs To hide away in shame Beneath the world. The walls felt close and cold and damp. The stench, Of mold and waste.
I liked this probably because it was very descriptive and gave me the feeling it described. You have a wonderfull talent and I look forward to reading more by you! Take care, Steph