"forge" by mgnola

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Submission Name: "forge" dots

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Author:	mgnola
Elite Ratio:	3.95 - 25/25/14
Words:	105

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	224
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	810

Description:
alchemy. intrigues me.

"forge"

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the fire gently gives
to leadened wounds
so old,
the stars can only
point towards
the first petal
of a hearts'
closing.

breath
around this fire
stokes embers,
and those
who have
no wind in words,
for now,
warm their
soul,
turn by
turn by
turn.....

around the coals
the tin cup
passes hand
to hand,
sip
the flame of life.

blue sulphur embers
with spirit of salt,
in time distills
our Vulcan stance;
and under one silver
moon we meld
- one heart,
one ring of gold.

Mimi Gauthier
Mir I Am

Submitted on 2006-01-16 00:56:38 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This appears to be the alchemy gathered by those warming themselves around a campfire in the midst of great penury (as if it were a 1930s romantic fairytale written to appease a broken generation with fantasies of beauty). Your use of an uncommon vocabulary is striking, and the entire poem has a tender appeal to restoration for those who'd long given up hope. Absolutely excellent. Take care. Bill.
| Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
  I really enjoyed this. parts i especially liked: "the first petal of heart closing." " wind in words." You havea real way of wording things poetically which is magnificant. Your ending was superb.

Keep it up!
| Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by Linksquest | [ Reply to This ]
  This is quite nice, gentle, relaxing and deep.
There are a few spots I have questions on. For instance, in L1, when you say the fire "gives" do you mean that as in "yields" or "provides"?
I think you might use one of those two, or similar, to clarify the intent. The poem in general seems to be plural, about people rather than person, so at the end of S1, should it be heart or hearts closing?
In S2, the phrase, no wind in words, could that be distilled to something like no wordly wind?
And in S3, likewise, could the flame of life be pared down to life's flame?
These are all just questions. I liked this a lot, thanks for sharing it,
Dave
| Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
  I read this piece out to myself silently and found a lovely cadence to it... and it has ethereal subject matter and concise emotive imagery.

However, there's a few niggly parts that I want to mention... forgive me for my tampering but these are just suggestions to use as you see fit...

First off, shouldn't it be 'heart' in the singular form? 'Hearts closing' just doesn't sound right.

I noticed your sparse use of punctuation in this piece - while that is something that I admire, I feel that there are instances where the addition of a few more commas would not go amiss... first stanza, third line - after 'old'... second stanza, third line - after 'embers'... and third stanza, fourth line - after 'hand'.

In your last stanza, your inverted syntax threw me off considerably... it could also be your comma after 'embers' that did it too. Here's just another suggestion... using your words but presenting it differently -
'with spirit of salt
and blue sulphur embers,
time distills
our Vulcan stance;
and under one silver
moon we meld
- one heart,
one ring of gold.'
- I also took out your capitalization of 'heart', 'ring' and 'gold' - is it really that necessary to emphasize? Just an honest question - I already think it has enough emphasis as the closing lines to your poem already. Oh, and I also made it 'one ring' to give it more rhythm (in my opinion anyways).

One other nitpick - the word 'all' in your second stanza - it disrupts the flow of that stanza - and the syntax as well - I don't see the point in having it in there to tell you the truth.

As I've said, these are just honest constructive criticisms and suggestions... so if you like them, implement them - and if not, totally disregard them of course. But I thought I should let you know what I thought - so please don't be offended.

It's a beautiful poem... and alchemy is something that has fascinated me for quite some time... the quest for the Philosopher's Stone... Hermes Thrice-Born and all that hermetic philosophy is all quite intriguing to me, and it's something that I've read up on quite avidly.

But I'm rambling now lol. Hope this helped.
Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  ahah, i will admit, i actually read this before reading your description and I thought it was about drinking. But now that I know it's about alchemy it is very fitting.

hmm, critisism wise, I can only say I like the first part more because it's more orginal to me. And it's good. Although I am not saying the second part isn't good either, just that I like the first better.

"the stars can only
point towards
the first petal
of a hearts
closing." -I really liked that. Excellent!
| Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by Sipthefallensky | [ Reply to This ]

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