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    dots Submission Name: Valentine dreamsdots

    Author: Vastmark
    ASL Info:    29/M/U.K
    Elite Ratio:    6.02 - 225/171/26
    Words: 139
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1248
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 810

       This worked a treat, I'll be in the good books for a few days at least hahaha

    Thanks for all your comments

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsValentine dreamsdots

    A song rings deep within me
    ‘Tis a melody so sweet,
    It sings of love so strongly,
    puts Earth’s breath beneath my feet.

    Were my feelings to be captured
    They'd resemble nothing ever seen.
    An amalgam of sight and sound,
    Chaotic but at peace.

    Your bouquet enchants me,
    It lulls me into sleep.
    And though chill morning closes quick,
    We’ll stay warm beneath the sheets.

    To fill those days without you near
    The song echoes through my heart,
    And I feel so much closer to you
    Instead of miles apart.

    And thus I sit upon fancy's wings,
    With heart and soul replete
    In great anticipation,
    Of when our lips next meet.

    Submitted on 2006-01-16 14:58:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Hehe, I agree with em all. Very nice, and who cares about meter when you can shower em with such beautiful sentiments?

    It's almost impossible to write a love poem without using clichés, so I wouldn't worry about that. As a lover of love poems, I'll throw this one in the "must read" file.

    Great work, mate,

    be happy

    | Posted on 2006-02-14 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      You've probably heard this a million times already, but I surely have to say, Awe! This is absolutely candy shop sweet :) This is what every girl wishes to accompany the smile on valentines. A heartfelt poem from the guy she's into, that's better than any chocolates or stuffed teddies. I really like this, and hope your sweet will like it as well.

    | Posted on 2006-01-30 00:00:00 | by SorrelsReality | [ Reply to This ]
      yep her heart will melt for sure, A perfect gift. I don't think anything in it is "cliché" totally original work with alot of heart poured into it,and nothing OTT or mushy just totally awesome...:).. and as stolie commented "don't forget the flowers" :) GREAT WRITE
    | Posted on 2006-01-26 00:00:00 | by rosered | [ Reply to This ]
      aww its sweet, its seems very endearing. i think yes you will get brownie points for it, but for the love of all thats sane, DONT FORGET THE FLOWERS TOO!

    Oh and put the poem someplace nice that she will stumble upon it first thing that morning...

    *le sigh*

    | Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by stolie77 | [ Reply to This ]
      I, too, like the depth of emotion that you've captured here. This sounds like true love to me! If your market is strictly the Mrs, you're perfect.

    If you have any other aspirations for the piece, I think I might take a look at the rhymes. You rhymed the first stanza and that drops the reader's mind into a pattern. When the second stanza doesn't rhyme, it breaks the pace of your poem. I think I would change the first stanza to eliminate the rhyme.

    | Posted on 2006-01-25 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a lovely poem and I am sure your woman will just love receiving this from you. It is sincere and heartfelt and certainly not too mushy, it's just right. It really sounds honest and pure, not overly sweet, nor does it give the impression that you wrote it out quickly. It reads as if you spent a long time writing it, and really thought about your feelings and placed them perfectly in this poem. It is touching how you express your longing for her when you are apart from each other. This is very romantic and I am sure she will just love it. Very nice work. Take care.

    | Posted on 2006-01-24 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I give you 5000 brownie points, and a dozen brownies with double frosting and vanilla ice-cream. This is really sweet and heartfelt, and any woman would be be pleased to receive such from her man.

    I know this isn.t an in depth comment, but I felt it was appropriate to let you know that it does evoke a tender, sweet feeling of love without being too saccharine.
    Thanks for sharing
    | Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought your poem was beautiful and I would say that your wife is a pretty blessed women. I would suggest a change to the title though when you give it to her, simply cuz the current title does not really reflect the beauty of the content. Anyways I think that it is very romantic thing to do for your wife and I am sure that she will love it. Take care.
    | Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by Rosh_5 | [ Reply to This ]
      Glaring problems... Where do i start ? Nah, just kidding lol.
    I think you've captured some extremley powerful emotions in this piece, i think the first stanza is an awesome opening and is definatly my favourite.
    You've really shown how much you love your "mrs" in this piece and i don't think it's OTT at all.
    You've also managed to create a good rhyming scheme although in some places you seem to be a bit jumbled...For example, in stanzas 1 and 4 you have two sets of paired lines, and the rest of the stanzas only 1 set.
    My only (and rather picky) suggestion is maybe to have alternating stanzas so that you have say three stanzas that all ryhme and maybe two that don't or visa versa.
    Either way a very passionate and warm piece, and i'm sure you will melt her heart
    A Loving Hatred
    | Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by ALovingHatred | [ Reply to This ]

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