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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dear Darlingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 122
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 749
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 964



    Description:
       I almost considered calling this "Manson Family Values", but I preferred something a bit more ironic. Dedicated to DeepDreamer's recent post concerning unwanted pregnancy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDear Darlingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I know I've
    tossed my heart
    in brackish cesspools
    trying to resurect
    the dead thing we
    abused; as if our
    finite failures
    might finally be
    amended, even
    as our dreams
    descend like
    carrion in cruel
    and hellish runes.

    Perhaps if we'd been
    lovers as the fates
    commanded, our
    souls knit with
    bonds more
    even handed,
    the distance drawn
    on maps in miles;
    not scarred phrenologies
    in slender smiles.

    If beauty had
    been ours to smooth
    rough wonders
    onto pallets only
    flesh could paint,
    if we'd held
    a child and lust
    been love as
    we'd begun to span
    that sullen gulf's bright blade;
    would indifferent stars
    have deemed us lovers,
    had our divine near miss
    not twisted fate?




    Submitted on 2006-01-16 19:46:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is so strong, the language so emphatic. I simply love it.
    The images are gritty and thought-provoking:

    tossed my heart
    in brackish cesspools
    trying to resurect
    the dead thing we
    abused;

    our dreams
    descend like
    carrion in cruel
    and hellish runes.

    You have a way of using shocking and thought-provoking words in your lines such as 'slender smiles' and 'twisted fate?'.
    If I were to make one criticism, and I know there's two camps on this, those who believe in syllabalic exactness because they put sonics before all else, and those who believe that the look of the poem on the page influences our reading of it, and that this is only my personal opinion, I'd end each of the lines on a strong word, not a preposition or connective, so it would read as:

    I know
    I've tossed
    my heart
    in brackish cesspools
    trying to resurect
    the dead thing
    we abused;
    as if our finite
    failures
    might finally
    be amended,
    even as our dreams
    descend
    like carrion
    in cruel and hellish
    runes.

    Perhaps
    if we'd been lovers
    as the fates
    commanded,
    our souls knit
    with bonds more
    even handed,
    the distance drawn
    on maps in miles;
    not scarred phrenologies
    in slender smiles.

    If beauty had
    been ours to smooth
    rough wonders
    onto pallets only
    flesh could paint,
    if we'd held
    a child and lust
    been love
    as we'd begun
    to span that sullen
    gulf's bright blade;
    would indifferent stars
    have deemed us lovers,
    had our divine near miss
    not twisted fate?

    Peace, love and empathy,
    Speacenik.
    | Posted on 2006-02-12 00:00:00 | by Speacenik | [ Reply to This ]
      Everyone has asked about phrenology and it is the science that mapped out the brain in terms of areas of thinking or influence. It's a perfect way to describe pathology and in this case it works great.

    I understand your complexity here and find that you never waste a word in your writes Bill. Everything is so carefully thought out and placed just where it should be. And I feel the remorse of the writer here and that is the whole point.
    thanks for a great read, this one is a fave.

    Nan
    | Posted on 2006-01-18 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      lol. A wonderful write, Bill. While I wrote about the woes of holding a child, you had to go and throw the entire blame on me.

    Your words are true, I'm afraid to say. There is certainly a lack of love and an increase in lust these days. Not much we can do about it but write, is there?

    Thanks for bringing my attention to this one, I doubt I would've noticed.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-01-17 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like your style. I think what I like most is the way you use slant rhyme. In S2 you seemed to deviate that and go with commanded, handed, miles and smiles, but in S3 you get back to the beauty that a reader has to listen for, paint, blade and fate. And you also deviate the rhythem from stanza to stanza. The line breaks seem peculiar to me, short, abrupt. Perhaps that suits the mood, because the theme has got to be one of discomfort. There were also a couple of words that I thought stood out, incongruous. One was carion, the other, phrenologies. For the first, I just don't see the connotation of carion descending, and for the second, I can't see the connection between maps and miles juxtaposed with phrenology, and smiles seems wedged in just to play off miles. Maybe if I read over several days I'd see it come out, perhaps. Hope this is of some help or use. Take care,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2006-01-17 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      Your wording is magnificent and there's hard edge to this poem that I like.

    I stumble in just a couple of places...

    I know I've
    tossed my heart
    in brackish cesspools
    trying to resurrect*

    Perhaps if we'd been
    lovers as the fates
    commanded, our
    souls knit with
    bonds more
    even handed,
    the distance drawn
    on maps in miles;
    not scarred phrenologies
    in slender smiles.

    Perhaps what? The stanza has the feel of an unanswered rhetorical question and like an idiot I'm waiting to hear the answer.

    If beauty had
    been ours to smooth
    rough wonders
    onto pallets only
    flesh could paint,
    if we'd held
    a child and lust
    been love as
    we'd begun to span
    that sullen gulf's bright blade;
    would indifferent stars
    have deemed us lovers,
    had our divine near miss
    not twisted fate?

    Perhaps you could consider a few line-breaks to segment your rather complex thoughts and sentences...

    Goodstuff,
    DB
    | Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      this is tough. its a tough topic to deal with. i really don't know what to say. i can't say i like just because it is what it is. i don't know.
    | Posted on 2006-03-27 00:00:00 | by Lemmy | [ Reply to This ]


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