Description: An impromptu poem written for a forum game regarding a member. Written in two minutes, with slight revision.
I love this piece, personally. Free from my own self-imposed constrictions, I let my style loose, and the imagery came quickly.
You, identified thusly:
Warm, like the stray rays of a wandering sun, pressing through a windowpane,
Light, like a handful of dry bubbles, weightless and wispy,
Comforting, like a short carpet on the bare balls of my feet,
Fuzzy, like everything blades of grass try to be.
Its very cute. Made me feel very warm inside. I like it. It is original, follows no rhyme. I do think it could use just a little more work. I'm not sure, but i think there is something missing...hmmm....Anyway it was very great. I would change one thing. Just the way it is posted. I would spread it would a little. i think it would make it a little better, but that is just me. I like things orderly. lol.
YIP! the style is loose alright,it needs a little more then a slight revising, and with a little more time then two minutes dedicated to it,it would also help if your readers understood what it is your actually decribing,I'm not saying its totally bad mind you,cause its good to go outside of what you normally write,after all thats how one improves there work,I would like to see this again after you do a rewrite of it, that is if you do anyway this is just my take on it adnil
I also like what you are describing here. It sounds very cuddly and fuzzy. . I think your structure could use some work. Your lines are too long and run on the way you have them which doesn't make a flow. For example in your first down you could break it down like this...
"Warm, like the stray rays of a wandering sun, pressing through a windowpane,"
that sounds a lot better that way. Or at least I think so. I pretty much agree with Magickandie on the rest so I won't repeat what she said so you get the same comments. Ummm I think that's all I wanted to say.