Heaven Can Wait by Heat

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Submission Name: Heaven Can Wait dots

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Author:	Heat
ASL Info:	15/M/LA
Elite Ratio:	4.11 - 44/58/15
Words:	109

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	292
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	623

Description:
This poem was written in 2004, and is one of my best love poems, according to the many people who have critiqued it so far.

Heaven Can Wait dots

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If one night,
I was in the middle of my sleep,
and an angle appeared at my window and just came through,
standing right by my baby to take her away,
I'd say,
no.
I can't live without my baby,
can't go on without her,
can't move on without her.
No,heaven can wait.
I need to be with her,
she's like my pride and joy,
my everything,
so you can't take her away.
Maybe that's the way it supposed to go,
but you can't take my baby from me.
No,heaven can wait.

Submitted on 2006-01-16 21:01:57 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  wow. i really think this is your best one so far! i found it to be very beautiful. i personally feel like this everytime my bf's mom comes to pick him to take him home. you really expressed that feeling in a great way. very good job! <33
| Posted on 2006-01-17 00:00:00 | by the_forgotten | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, this is really beautiful, I mean this thought of a mother protecting her pride and joy, you go gurl! Well, this is good , the emotion and the defiance from higher positions, good job!
| Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by Writer Chic | [ Reply to This ]
  This piece is beautifully written, there's a lot of good imagery here, and I can definitely hear the voice coming through, which goes to prove that it's well done to some degree.

One major thing that you should go back and fix is in the third line, you have a typo: change "angle" to "angel." Otherwise spelling is good.

If you wanted to go back and experiment with how this piece has turned out, I would suggest that you take a look at how some of the different lines flow; I don't actually know you as a person, per se, but I get the feeling that a lot of this is written how you would normally speak in conversation. For example, in the twelfth line, you wrote "she's like my pride and joy." In this spot, you could easily get the same point across without using the word like, and not only would it look better, but read a lot more smoothly. Going back and editing out little bits and pieces like that, or filling in other little words that might help the flow along would also go a long way to improving how this piece has turned out.

Another thing that you may want to experiment around with, is seeing how the piece reads and flows when you take out contractions and change words like "can't" to "cannot" and "she's" to "she is." Using contractions make a piece seem a lot more juvenile, and I can see that this piece definitely has the potential to be viewed as something more, asuming that you're willing to take that extra step and put in that extra effort to fool around with it, and make changes to improve it.

What you have here is a beautiful piece already, just know that you it could turn into something even better if you're willing to put in that extra effort. I hope this helps.

Oh, and welcome to eliteskills ;)

~Zylle
| Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by zyllion | [ Reply to This ]

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