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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Assassin *rewrite*dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: zyllion
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 171/117/20
    Words: 808
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 281
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 4465



    Description:
       I have now been working on this story for over two years. This draft is basically the same as the last one plotwise, except that it is much better written. The story is also no longer necessarily going by the working title, but rather is currently entitled In Darkness We Follow. However, I would still appreciate that after you read it, that you would still leave comments nad feedback so that I can continue to improve the story. Thanks!

    And on a side note, I continue to work on this story, and am currently working to develop the world that Jake and the rest of the characters inhabit to create an entire useable world.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Assassin *rewrite*dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Times had changed, and much as Michelle hated to admit it, she hadn’t changed with them. While this hadn’t had much of an effect following her tenure as The Assassin, it did grow to be a much greater problem, eventually forcing her to find jobs in places much seedier places.

    She sat wearily in the corner she had staked out as her own, wearily watching as a man approached her table. She eyed him with hatred in her eyes as he sat down. ‘Another wimp who can’t do his own dirty work,’ she thought to herself. Still, she desperately needed the money that the job would guarantee her.

    "And whom exactly would you have me kill?"

    His answer was prompt. "The Assassin."

    She paused, looking startled. "The Assassin? You want me to kill The Assassin?"

    "Yes."

    She took a deep breath before responding. "Fine. Double the usual fee.”

    He nodded as he dropped a bag of gold coins onto the table in front of him.

    "That’s only half.”

    “Indeed. You will receive the rest when The Assassin is dead."

    She leveled a final glare at him before grabbing the bag off the table, storing it within the folds of her cloak, and storming from the confines of bar; she had a letter to write.

    Dearest Jake,
    It’s been so long since we’ve talked. If you have some spare time, I’d like to see you again. How does Mark’s bar sound? Let’s just say that I have an interesting proposal for you. I’ll be waiting.
    All my Love,
    Michelle

    I’ll await your presence there tomorrow, m’dear.
    - Jake


    The next day found Jake sitting at his table in the back corner of a poorly lit room inside of Mark’s bar, early for once, and splitting his attention between two things: the door, and his mug of beer. Jake finished his last mug and slammed down both the empty mug, and his last coin. One of the bartenders scurried hurriedly over to replace the empty mug with a full one. But Jake ignored him, choosing instead to focus on the door. He watched as the door crashed against the wall and a woman walked in. “Michelle?”

    She walked up to him and sat across from him at the table. “Jake, honey, hello. It’s been a long time, no see.”

    He nodded in response. “Are you just here to catch up on old times? Or is the proposal something a little… more?”

    “Business first, as usual. Besides, I know not much has happened since I left. Life had become too predictable. Anyway, the proposal: Jake, I want you to kill someone.”

    “You want me to kill someone for you?” He asked incredulously. “After you spent how many years as The Assassin?”

    “Yes.”

    “Might I ask whom you would have me kill, that you cannot do it yourself?

    “You might.”

    He glared at her, “Whom must I kill?”

    She paused before responding, unsure if she could actually say it. But to gain the money, it was necessary she risk everything. She took a deep breath before continuing, “Me. I want you to kill me.”

    Jake’s jaw dropped. “You want me to kill you? My, how the mighty have fallen. Give me a little background story.”

    “There is no story to tell. I am hiring you to kill me. You will be paid your usual fee.” Here she hefted the same sack she had been given as payment onto the table. “You may choose your weapon; I would just like it to be relatively painless.”

    “Yes’m. Come this way, please.” Jake stood up, grabbing the sack in the same fluid motion, then strode past her to the door, rightly assuming that she would follow. He lead her through the muddy streets of the nameless village they were in, and up a nearby hill into the cave system.

    “Against the wall please.”

    Michelle moved against the wall of the cave, as instructed, watching silently as he drew and cocked his pistol. But before he could fire his weapon, she, too, had her own gun cocked and ready.

    A single shot sounded out, and in tandem, two bodies sank to the ground, one in grief, the other a lifeless heap of bones.




    Submitted on 2006-01-16 22:07:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Bill is right, it does have a sense of O Henry about it. It's clear, concise, and develops the story line and the characters before the end. Good work, keep it up! Jenn
    | Posted on 2006-02-05 00:00:00 | by BreakAndFall | [ Reply to This ]
      Eeek. That's kind of freaky and chilling. Note to self: If someone who is a famous assins asks you to kill them, do not pull out a pistol and prepare to shoot without body armor. SOmehow I don't think I'll use that in the future, but hey, might as well file it away. Lol.

    I would like to see some background here. Who is Jake? How do they know eachother? Also, it would be nice to see this fleshed out. You've got the dialogue, and the actions, fatten it up with some good stuff, roast the flaws out, and it'll be a scrumptous bite.

    Hallian

    PS There is more to the story somewhere, a continueation or something, right? Please?
    | Posted on 2006-03-07 00:00:00 | by Hallian | [ Reply to This ]
      Am I correct in assuming the Assassin found a suitable victim to collect the rest of her ducats(cash, that is)? This had an interesting O. Henry feel to it with just enough plot twist to generate irony. Perhaps the mantra of the day should be taken from the 'X Files'-'trust no one'. Your two years of effort have paid dividends. Nicely done. Take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-01-16 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]



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